Ghost + Blizzard= Cold Heart

“Our love was formed in a blizzard, and in the end it was just as cold.”

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This is very personal post.

Pretty much my heart exploding onto the page.

Reader discretion is advised. 

That saying is true, as writers, we don’t cry, we bleed into the words of a page.

This is my heart’s bleeding onto this page.

I apologize in advance for the dramatics of this post, but for healing and closure’s sake I must get these words out of my soul.

 

 

 

Dear Ex,

         Hi, its me, your chronically ill ex. I’m writing this letter to tell you all the things I never got to say.

First, I want to thank you for being with me through the rough moments my health caused.  With you by my side, the hospital stays, surgeries and emergency room visits were a little less terrifying. I want to thank you for holding me on the days where I couldn’t get out of bed. Thank you for making me smile whenever all I wanted to do was cry.  I often wondered if I was cursed with all that’s wrong with me, but you were the constant reminder that there were still good things in life.

I realize it isn’t easy loving someone who needed so much help, but you never made me feel like any less of a person. You always made me feel as if I still mattered. My illness was something we both battled. You were my partner, my ally, my best friend.

As my body changed, you never made me feel any less beautiful. You promised me the disease could never make me any less beautiful, because the beauty you saw came from my soul.

You never complained about staying home with me instead of traveling the world and visiting theme parks like our friends did. Our paradise was our time together.  I didn’t have to travel to exotic places, because my whole world was beside me.

You brought me so much light.

And then all the sudden, my world went dark.

Without warning, your soul was ripped from mine.

We had everything. We had friendship, love, history, passion…..

Gone.

Gone in an instant.

We didn’t even have the luxury of fading away.

We had it all, and then we had nothing.

Every day the grief hangs over me.

You ghosted me,

And I am haunted by you.

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The thoughts of ‘why? what happened? what could I have done? what can I do?’ destroy my every attempt at peace.

 

In my agony from disease and isolation, you aren’t here to hold me anymore.

In my brokenness, I hold onto the fire burning inside me.

All I want is to know what I did to deserve this life.

It wasn’t enough to lose my health, my home, my career, my ability to have children…..no…. I had to lose you too.

 

I wish you well, truly.

I just wish I knew how you accomplished ripping your own heart and soul out to leave me.

How do you not feel this?

How do you not feel the emptiness?

How do the WHAT IFs not bring you to your knees?

 

 

You are now as cold as the blizzard we fell in love in….

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But part of me hopes this is temporary.

 

I forgive you.

Come home.

 

But if not,

I have to hold onto what is left of me.

My battered soul is stronger than ever. Living without you has shown me how much grit I truly have.

 

All I will say is I hope you are happy, I hope you are at peace.

 

True Colors always shine through.

 

Sincerely,

A broken, strong woman who deserves closure.

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The Source of Light

Currently it is 1:15am. I can’t sleep. Too much on my mind, so naturally…I write.

I am back in Florida now.

I spent the last month in North Carolina.

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I flew to NC for the Adrenal Insufficiency United conference.

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I was able to visit with friends and family back in my home state of North Carolina. It was so nice to be away from Florida.

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Life is moving faster than I think it ever has. Somehow, it is Mid-May. I feel like it was just January……

It’s been six months almost since Nelson left. That’s why I can’t sleep tonight. For whatever stupid reason, as much as life is going forward….my heart can’t seem to get over him.

Life is MOVING FORWARD.

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My patient advocacy organization Adrenal Alternatives Foundation was approved for our 501c3 non profit status. We are now legally incorporated and recognized by the IRS as a registered non-profit organization.

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My fiction book Townsend is in the process of worldwide distribution. I have signed with a fantastic distributor and am hoping that my book is enjoyed by many people! I truly hope people are encouraged by Townsend’s story.

Life is hopeful.

My time in North Carolina this past month was a wonderful distraction and truly reminded me that I wasn’t as alone as Nelson’s leaving made me feel.

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My godmother.

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Grandmother O’neil

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So…me being me….decided I wasn’t quite ready to just jump right back into the solitude of Florida. I convinced my friend Hannah and her sister to fly back with me to Florida to make the transition a little easier!

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We had the best time, too.

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It reminded me that I am not alone. Even in Florida, I can always go back and visit those who love me.

Alas, all good things come to an end.

Reality is here.

Florida is where I am….for now.

My prayer is my books take off enough to where I can do what I want.

I wish I could play by “normal” rules and just get a higher paying job and save up to move away….but with Addison’s and Medullary Sponge Kidney, my health isn’t strong enough.

Honestly, I’m just lucky to not be bedridden anymore. I pray I never lose sight of the things I once took for granted. Never will I take life for granted again.

One of the last photos we took together……

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In the still quiet moments, I remember these times. I remember how he was the only laughter in my life.

I always attributed his presence to what saved me from utter darkness and despair.

And then I realized something……

When there is much deep, pitch- black, darkness any speck of light seems brighter.

My life was so devastating at the time with no money, career, home and battling msk/addisons without the cortisol pump… of course he seemed like the greatest thing on earth.

But HE didn’t save me. He didn’t shield me from the darkness.

I did.

I kept my own internal light burning.

I held onto the light, MYSELF.

When he left, I felt like the only light in my life had gone out. But I quickly saw that I had always been holding onto my own light all along……

I wrote Townsend and my six other published books during my time of being bedridden.

In between my many surgeries, days of being trapped in bed…..I created Adrenal Alternatives.

In my moments of fighting to live, God gave me the strength to carry on.

God’s power, inside me was what kept me alive all these years….not Nelson.

As much as it hurts to see him truly abandon me, I see now that I never really needed him at all.

The light I thought he was….came from me the whole time.

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So here I am, Winslow Elizabeth Dixon.

I have no idea what the future holds.

All I know is that I’ve been through hell, so I’m determined to inspire fire.

“Thoughts of us kept keeping me awake.”

Posting this song because I honestly hope it’s true.

I hope one day, when the stillness of life hits…he’ll think of me.

I hope he will remember how I always had his back and defended him, even when he was wrong. I hope he remembers how we always smiled and laughed even when the world outside was going to hell. I hope he remembers how I never gave up on him the way he gave up on me.

So, in typical Winslow fashion. I will dry my tears and hold onto what I DO HAVE instead of crying over what I don’t have.

I have work to do in this world.

Addison’s disease hasn’t stopped me. MSK hasn’t stopped me.

Losing Nelson Roberts Palmer won’t stop me either.

I will hold onto the light inside ❤

Carry On, Carry On

I’ve closed enough windows to know you can never look back
If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground
Carry on, carry on, carry on.
Since January, It’s been a whirlwind of life.
I don’t even think there are enough words to describe the highs and lows 2019 has brought.
I mentioned in my last blog my devastation over Nelson leaving. He left in January and we haven’t spoken since. It is now May.  I can honestly say I’ve grieved his absence every moment he’s been gone.

But I’ve carried on.

 

This past week, I represented my patient advocacy organization Adrenal Alternatives Foundation at the Adrenal Insufficiency United Conference.

I clearly see the work I have set ahead of me. My focus 100% has been growing this organization.  Doors are opening, direction is becoming clear and I know exactly what I am supposed to do with my life.  Adrenal Alternatives is my heart, my life’s work and my purpose- WITHOUT a doubt.

That being said,  career has always come easy to me. I’ve always been a TYPE A personality, driven and determined. Even through my devastating illness, my dreams of changing the world for adrenal disease has been at the forefront of my mind.

I know for a fact I’m doing the right thing.

But in my personal life, I feel super confused.  Things are so uncertain. I never in this world thought Nelson would abandon me the way he did. I thought we’d move back to NC and start life over again……

 

NOPE.

 

It looks like I’m in Florida for a while. My organization is registered there and the doors to leave have not opened.

 

 

So what do I do?

 

What I can……

 

I will do what I can.

 

Can I control Nelson?

Nope.

I can control Winslow.

Even though I could cry every waking moment over this, I refuse to.

Even though it bothers me that he was there through the horrible, unbearable moments but not the AMAZING victories I’ve seen lately.

I have to carry on.

 

We have to focus on what we CAN control.

We have to work on what WE CAN DO.

We have to treasure the loved ones who ARE WITH US!

If we focus on what’s wrong, we lose sight of what’s right.

 

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This quote soothed my soul so much.

I was always afraid Nelson would leave me…..and now I can honestly say EVERY single nightmare I ever feared came to life…..

But I survived, EVERY SINGLE ONE.

There is nothing left to fear.

I’ve truly conquered every fear I’ve ever ever ever imagined.

Now, it’s time to thrive.

 

My purpose is to change the world for adrenal disease.

With or without him ❤

 

 

If you’d like to see more about my work with adrenal insufficiency, please visit

adrenalalternatives.com

 

 

 

Ships that never Sail

One of the perks living in Florida is that the weather is a tropical climate.

During the Christmas break this past year, my dear friend from NC came to visit. With my health, I wasn’t able to do much but I was able to take her on a sunset cruise.

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We boarded a boat and sailed around for an hour until the sunset, then we sailed back in the dark under the stars. It was beautiful. I completely fell in love with the sea.

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I started daydreaming about what life would be like if I lived a sailor’s existence….if I lived on a boat full time and sailed the ocean blue.

Naturally, I told Nels about it. Who also fell in love with the idea. We started watching youtube videos about people who sailed full time and looking into catamarans.

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I found this giant yacht called the Galaxy of Happiness. I picked on him that he wanted a dingy and I wanted a palace on the sea.

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When you are chronically ill, your thoughts are mainly what keep your sanity. Daydreaming about sailing away helped me cope with the really bad health days. With my severe migraines I would just imagine living on that happily and creating a new life. That helped me suffer through the agony….the hope of better days…..

As I wrote in my previous blog, Nelson moved to Georgia to financially stabilize and find a better job until I could get well enough to function.

To my shock, amazement, horror and dismay, he has since changed his number and we no longer speak.

After all I’ve been through, to say I am devastated is an under statement.

The night he left, I can remember clinging to him in tears.

Promise me this is temporary.

Promise me we won’t go days without talking.

Promise me nothings going to change…..

He promised…..

“You have to trust me, Winslow.”

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Its been weeks since I’ve spoken to him.

I’ve sent texts, calls (which didn’t do much since he changed his number) and even a letter.

No response.

He started a tinder account.

All pictures of me are off his social media now.

Which lets me know, this was a conscious effort.

He’s gone now.

My favorite person in the whole world is gone now.

I just don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve another loss.

I keep wracking my brain as to what I did so wrong to deserve this life.

Why would he get on Tinder? What is he looking for that I don’t have?

How do you just erase someone you’ve been so close to for 5 years?

How do you ignore someone you spent nights in the hospital with?

How do you go from talking to someone multiple times a day to not at all?

I don’t know.

All I know is that I have to go on.

All I know is that I have to keep going.

I’ve been through way too much to let this stop me.

I worked so hard to get on the pump, to establish the Foundation and to get my fiction book out to the world. I can’t stop now.

As much as it hurts. As much as I just want to cry, throw up and scream WHY GOD WHY!

I can’t.

I can’t wonder if he’ll ever come back.

I can’t wonder what I did wrong.

I can’t wonder if the last 5 years was all a lie.

Because I assure you he isn’t…..

He’s going on tinder dates, enjoying his life to the fullest.

So I have to choose to live my life.

I have to realize that our ship may never sail.

It feels like I hit the Bermuda triangle, cause none of this makes sense and it doesn’t feel like it can be reality.

I don’t even think I can bring myself to say goodbye to him, so I’ll just say bon voyage.

I’m flying to NC next week, fully trusting that GOD has a plan for my future.

I do ask that you pray, send good vibes and love my way as I cope with this.

May I find the ship I’m supposed to sail ❤

Judging a Book by it’s cover

I know we’ve all heard the cliche’ “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover” and it kind of confused me when I had to choose a cover for my own book. 😀

Here I am with my most private novel, exposing it to the world.

Townsend is my fiction novel, but it is also a HUGE part of my heart I hope to share with the world.

I didn’t make this book available to make a ton of money or become famous, (even though that would be cool, I’m not counting on it 😀 )

I just want to share a story of hope and magic that truly kept me going the past two years.

When I was suffering with my health and all alone, I delved into Townsend’s beautiful world and escaped to a place with magic, angels and native Americans.

I want to share that with others, an escape to a world where courage, magic and hope exists.

So below is a video explaining the first book in my series, which is now available exclusively on https://www.townsendseries.com/

Would love feedback on my book 🙂

Feel free to check out the website and video.

How to Stop Kidney Stones

 

Anyone who has kidney stones can tell you they are a horrible thing to battle. As someone with chronic kidney stones, I have spent most of my life trying to manage them.

I have explored alternative methods, pharmaceutical options, dietary interventions, holistic herbalism and modern medicine to try and manage my chronic stones.

Recently, I teamed up with Michael Castenada, the creator of the Diet Kidney Stone- Low Oxalate Protocol to film a free, educational webinar on how to manage kidney stones.

I have also published a book with thousands of options to manage kidney stones, renal colic and urinary tract infections.

No one should have to fight this horrific battle with no hope. 

I had lost hope before I was diagnosed with Medullary Sponge Kidney 

I have fought kidney stones, renal pain and UTI’s since I was a teenager and I am here to tell you that there IS HOPE!

I am proud to have teamed up with Michael and our webinar link is posted above.

My goal is to use the darkness I’ve been exposed to shed light to those who suffer as I have.

You may have kidney stones, but they DON’T Have you!

The link to my book is below.

Wishing you all hope, healing & happiness!

 

Love, Win ❤

Peace by Piece Give A way

My goal for 2019 is to GIVE more than I TAKE.

SO!  To start the year off, I want to do a give away of one of my books, the Peace by Piece Inspirational Health Log Journal.

I originally created this journal for myself to keep track of all my life’s little “pieces” to try and find better quality of life. I figured if it helped me, it might help someone else…so I published it and now I want to give away some copies to those who need it!

I truly hope I can give to others this year.

The video below explains how to enter for the give away and the one below that is a preview of the journal.

Links here-

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/peace-by-piece-365-day-inspirational-health-journal-winslow-e-dixon/1127897956

https://www.amazon.com/Peace-Piece-Inspirational-Health-Journal/dp/1984099922

Happy New Year to all my blog followers! As always, I wish you all hope, healing and happiness!

-Win