Ships that never Sail

One of the perks living in Florida is that the weather is a tropical climate.

During the Christmas break this past year, my dear friend from NC came to visit. With my health, I wasn’t able to do much but I was able to take her on a sunset cruise.

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We boarded a boat and sailed around for an hour until the sunset, then we sailed back in the dark under the stars. It was beautiful. I completely fell in love with the sea.

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I started daydreaming about what life would be like if I lived a sailor’s existence….if I lived on a boat full time and sailed the ocean blue.

Naturally, I told Nels about it. Who also fell in love with the idea. We started watching youtube videos about people who sailed full time and looking into catamarans.

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I found this giant yacht called the Galaxy of Happiness. I picked on him that he wanted a dingy and I wanted a palace on the sea.

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When you are chronically ill, your thoughts are mainly what keep your sanity. Daydreaming about sailing away helped me cope with the really bad health days. With my severe migraines I would just imagine living on that happily and creating a new life. That helped me suffer through the agony….the hope of better days…..

As I wrote in my previous blog, Nelson moved to Georgia to financially stabilize and find a better job until I could get well enough to function.

To my shock, amazement, horror and dismay, he has since changed his number and we no longer speak.

After all I’ve been through, to say I am devastated is an under statement.

The night he left, I can remember clinging to him in tears.

Promise me this is temporary.

Promise me we won’t go days without talking.

Promise me nothings going to change…..

He promised…..

“You have to trust me, Winslow.”

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Its been weeks since I’ve spoken to him.

I’ve sent texts, calls (which didn’t do much since he changed his number) and even a letter.

No response.

He started a tinder account.

All pictures of me are off his social media now.

Which lets me know, this was a conscious effort.

He’s gone now.

My favorite person in the whole world is gone now.

I just don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve another loss.

I keep wracking my brain as to what I did so wrong to deserve this life.

Why would he get on Tinder? What is he looking for that I don’t have?

How do you just erase someone you’ve been so close to for 5 years?

How do you ignore someone you spent nights in the hospital with?

How do you go from talking to someone multiple times a day to not at all?

I don’t know.

All I know is that I have to go on.

All I know is that I have to keep going.

I’ve been through way too much to let this stop me.

I worked so hard to get on the pump, to establish the Foundation and to get my fiction book out to the world. I can’t stop now.

As much as it hurts. As much as I just want to cry, throw up and scream WHY GOD WHY!

I can’t.

I can’t wonder if he’ll ever come back.

I can’t wonder what I did wrong.

I can’t wonder if the last 5 years was all a lie.

Because I assure you he isn’t…..

He’s going on tinder dates, enjoying his life to the fullest.

So I have to choose to live my life.

I have to realize that our ship may never sail.

It feels like I hit the Bermuda triangle, cause none of this makes sense and it doesn’t feel like it can be reality.

I don’t even think I can bring myself to say goodbye to him, so I’ll just say bon voyage.

I’m flying to NC next week, fully trusting that GOD has a plan for my future.

I do ask that you pray, send good vibes and love my way as I cope with this.

May I find the ship I’m supposed to sail ❤

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Judging a Book by it’s cover

I know we’ve all heard the cliche’ “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover” and it kind of confused me when I had to choose a cover for my own book. 😀

Here I am with my most private novel, exposing it to the world.

Townsend is my fiction novel, but it is also a HUGE part of my heart I hope to share with the world.

I didn’t make this book available to make a ton of money or become famous, (even though that would be cool, I’m not counting on it 😀 )

I just want to share a story of hope and magic that truly kept me going the past two years.

When I was suffering with my health and all alone, I delved into Townsend’s beautiful world and escaped to a place with magic, angels and native Americans.

I want to share that with others, an escape to a world where courage, magic and hope exists.

So below is a video explaining the first book in my series, which is now available exclusively on https://www.townsendseries.com/

Would love feedback on my book 🙂

Feel free to check out the website and video.

How to Stop Kidney Stones

 

Anyone who has kidney stones can tell you they are a horrible thing to battle. As someone with chronic kidney stones, I have spent most of my life trying to manage them.

I have explored alternative methods, pharmaceutical options, dietary interventions, holistic herbalism and modern medicine to try and manage my chronic stones.

Recently, I teamed up with Michael Castenada, the creator of the Diet Kidney Stone- Low Oxalate Protocol to film a free, educational webinar on how to manage kidney stones.

I have also published a book with thousands of options to manage kidney stones, renal colic and urinary tract infections.

No one should have to fight this horrific battle with no hope. 

I had lost hope before I was diagnosed with Medullary Sponge Kidney 

I have fought kidney stones, renal pain and UTI’s since I was a teenager and I am here to tell you that there IS HOPE!

I am proud to have teamed up with Michael and our webinar link is posted above.

My goal is to use the darkness I’ve been exposed to shed light to those who suffer as I have.

You may have kidney stones, but they DON’T Have you!

The link to my book is below.

Wishing you all hope, healing & happiness!

 

Love, Win ❤

Peace by Piece Give A way

My goal for 2019 is to GIVE more than I TAKE.

SO!  To start the year off, I want to do a give away of one of my books, the Peace by Piece Inspirational Health Log Journal.

I originally created this journal for myself to keep track of all my life’s little “pieces” to try and find better quality of life. I figured if it helped me, it might help someone else…so I published it and now I want to give away some copies to those who need it!

I truly hope I can give to others this year.

The video below explains how to enter for the give away and the one below that is a preview of the journal.

Links here-

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/peace-by-piece-365-day-inspirational-health-journal-winslow-e-dixon/1127897956

https://www.amazon.com/Peace-Piece-Inspirational-Health-Journal/dp/1984099922

Happy New Year to all my blog followers! As always, I wish you all hope, healing and happiness!

-Win

A game of Faith Fetch

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That photo is an accurate depiction of my mentality going into this next year.

I’m smiling, half insane from the war against my health/life/fate just waving my white flag thinking ALRIGHT, I SURRENDER!

I never liked the word surrender. I always thought it meant giving up….But lately I’ve realized that surrender is a major part of life.

This year is coming to a close, Christmas is Tuesday and 2019 is rapidly approaching. I am walking into this new year without so many things, people and expectations I’ve had for so long.

The people I’ve relied on for the last two years since my relapse are leaving and starting their own lives.

I’m still sick. I’m still out of work and not driving. I’m single……

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’m devastated that more change is happening.

I have to accept what is happening. I have to accept that people come and go. Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season. My dear friends who have kept me alive, kept my heart beating and kept my spirit strong are going back home now to their families.

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These people have taken me to doctor appointments, been by my side in the hospital and truly been the sparks of light in all the darkness of the past two years.

Now, the time has come for them to leave.

I had hoped when they did go….I would be stable, back to life and independent again……But that isn’t the case.

I have to trust that GOD will take care of me, even though the human constructs I leaned on aren’t going to be here anymore.

I’m thankful to still have my parents, but feel so much guilt for them having to take me in and raise me a second time.

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Words can’t even describe the twinge in my heart I feel about this photograph. That girl…..that man…..all the dreams that were supposed to be…….

The last thing this man told me was “You harm yourself in life when you want things.”

And honestly, it’s true. I’m still kicking and screaming for my existence I planned. The one I WANTED.

I was supposed to be his Mrs. I was supposed to be Eli’s mother. I was supposed to have a nice Carolina home. I was supposed to have a career in medicine.

But now, I am single. I cannot ever have a child. I don’t work. I am in Florida.

Oh it was meant to be. It just wasn’t meant to last.
Kate McGahan

I found that quote today and I think that was the fate for he and I. As much as I hate it, we don’t talk anymore and I have to accept another massive loss.

Every time I think of him, I have to just place it back at the feet of Jesus. Every time I get this horrible twinge of my ache for him, for my career, for my health I have to just mentally repeat “LORD I GIVE IT TO YOU!”

I feel like I’m playing mental fetch with Jesus. Every problem I keep bringing back to the Lord.

I HAVE to trust that GOD has better plans for my life far greater than I ever could have imagined.

I surrender to this next year. I have HAD to surrender ALL to the LORD.

He knows I am still sick. He knows I am still heartbroken. He knows every fear.

I have to make the choice to allow every emptiness in my heart be filled with Jesus. And that sounds dumb and super religious but it’s not about church, or commandments or religion….it’s about peace. It’s about allowing my spirit to embrace the One who created me. It’s about allowing the GRACE of God to fill my heart instead of the bitterness of all that’s happened.

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I hate that My amazing hero, Dr. Todd isn’t here anymore. But I am so thankful to have met him and to have known him. He diagnosed me with adrenal insufficiency and GOD used him greatly in so many lives.

Dr. Todd is one of the reasons I carry on. His legacy of compassion must be carried on!

Without a doctor now I am afraid….but I have to realize I am in the hands of the Great Physician.

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This verse is my theme for this next year. I want to be someone who helps pull people out of life’s fires and makes a difference with compassion!

I cannot think about what I’ve lost, I will think of what I have to GIVE to others.

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I surrender my dreams, my plans, my friends, the love of my life….everything to GOD now.

Maybe now that I’ve truly surrendered all, GOD can begin to work in my life and fill it with the things HE has planned for me.

Either way, I trust Him. As much as it hurts, I know HE is in control.

The Will to Want

 

We’ve all heard the analogy about the glass being half full or half empty.

Some people always see the glass as half full, others always see it as half empty.

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I’m one of these people who sees it as an opportunity to go fill up my glass to whatever amount I want.

I’m a type “A” go getter personality. I don’t want to sit around and whine about how my glass if half empty. I want to go fill it up myself.

Last night I was talking to someone about some recent projects I’ve been doing. These projects are literally my heart and soul in physical form. I was so excited to share my news!

I’m in the process of getting my fiction series out to the public.

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https://www.townsendseries.com/

And I recently have been doing some public speaking. You can watch a snippet of my seminar below.

I sent this person I had the conversation with and they refused to watch/read them, citing the reason that they didn’t understand people who needed validation.

“Why do you need so much validation?”

I don’t…. I just wanted to share pieces of my heart with you……….

It hurt me because I try so hard to be an encouragement, to still impact the world in a positive way despite all that has happened. I didn’t want my disease to leave me bitter.  That’s why I try so hard to make a difference. I want to be light in darkness.

I took it so personally when this person didn’t want to even acknowledge my work. I felt rejected, I felt like what I did didn’t matter at all. I suddenly felt like my puny attempts to fight against my illness weren’t worth it.

They were right, my demographic was small. I don’t reach many people…..

Do I even help anyone at all?

Why should I try so hard? Why should I force myself to work, write and be an encouragement through the agonizing kidney stones, migraines and Addison’s symptoms.

Why do I still try to be a kind person even though I’ve lost my independence, my looks, my career, my car, my finances, my ability to have a baby…..  I asked……

Their Response- “You wanted too much.  That’s the trick to life, don’t want anything and you’ll never be disappointed.”

Then the conversation digressed to where they said I had differing values and my version of inner strength was different than theirs.

Inner strength is ALL that keeps me going besides the LORD himself.

I was infuriated and heartbroken.

Had I wanted too much?

Why did I expect I would be able to have a career?

Why did I expect that I would be able to have children?

Why did I expect I’d be able to be young?

Why Did I expect anything good would happen to me at all?

I felt like my whole life was my fault. My mind started to tell me I didn’t deserve anything and that’s why things are so bad. I don’t deserve good things.

Is it wrong to expect things?

Is it wrong to want things?

 

I say no. Because I have to keep hope alive for things.

Not to whine, but this point in my life I feel so lost, so desolate and so disheartened I HAVE TO LOOK forward to better days.

Apathy is NO way to live.

I almost think apathy is worse than evil in some ways.

The ability to turn a blind eye to suffering souls is apathetic evil.

Part of me wants to shut down completely, walk away from everything and just say WHATS THE POINT?

I feel terrible every single day of my life. Why should I even get out of bed? Some days I literally can’t get out of bed no matter how much I want to. That is pathetic on my part.

Why should I keep trying?

Because GOD has a plan for me despite all the problems.

My lack of money doesn’t hinder His plans.

My health doesn’t stop his purpose for my life.

My lack of marriage doesn’t mean I can’t still love others.

My infertility doesn’t mean I won’t ever be a mother some day.

My lack of a job does not mean I am lazy, worthless and good for nothing.

 

My new focus is just going to be doing the will of the Lord.  I can’t worry about other people. I can’t worry about my expectations. I can’t worry about whether I will ever feel well again.

Thy will be done, O’ Lord.

 

So to accomplish this, I’ve turned my phone off handed it over to family members and told them to keep it for a while.

 

My soul hurts and it needs to heal ❤

I will find the will to live again.

 

 

A long awaited Victory

Right now it is 11:47pm, I typically never let myself be on the computer this late. But I am literally SO excited and GIDDY about this long awaited victory I just had to tell someone!

And naturally as a writer….I have to write about it, right??

As most of you know, I am one of these type A, overachiever, workaholics.

I’ve been unable to work the past two years due to my health.

Writing has been my “job.”

During my bedridden years, I’ve written many things….

But the core of all my efforts, my life’s work….my heart on paper is my fiction series.

I am SO HAPPY to finally announce book one of my fiction series, Townsend is FINALLY going to be AVAILABLE.

YES! TOWNSEND LIVES!

I invite you all to meet my imaginary friends I’ve spent the last two years with! haha….

Ok, that probably sounds weird but it’s true. Fiction writers DO have imaginary friends. 😀

The Release Date for book one is March 2019.

Check it out on Townsendseries.com

Townsend means so much to me. I hope you enjoy reading the story as much as I enjoyed writing it!