One of the perks living in Florida is that the weather is a tropical climate.
During the Christmas break this past year, my dear friend from NC came to visit. With my health, I wasn’t able to do much but I was able to take her on a sunset cruise.
We boarded a boat and sailed around for an hour until the sunset, then we sailed back in the dark under the stars. It was beautiful. I completely fell in love with the sea.
I started daydreaming about what life would be like if I lived a sailor’s existence….if I lived on a boat full time and sailed the ocean blue.
Naturally, I told Nels about it. Who also fell in love with the idea. We started watching youtube videos about people who sailed full time and looking into catamarans.
I found this giant yacht called the Galaxy of Happiness. I picked on him that he wanted a dingy and I wanted a palace on the sea.
When you are chronically ill, your thoughts are mainly what keep your sanity. Daydreaming about sailing away helped me cope with the really bad health days. With my severe migraines I would just imagine living on that happily and creating a new life. That helped me suffer through the agony….the hope of better days…..
As I wrote in my previous blog, Nelson moved to Georgia to financially stabilize and find a better job until I could get well enough to function.
To my shock, amazement, horror and dismay, he has since changed his number and we no longer speak.
After all I’ve been through, to say I am devastated is an under statement.
The night he left, I can remember clinging to him in tears.
Promise me this is temporary.
Promise me we won’t go days without talking.
Promise me nothings going to change…..
“You have to trust me, Winslow.”
Its been weeks since I’ve spoken to him.
I’ve sent texts, calls (which didn’t do much since he changed his number) and even a letter.
He started a tinder account.
All pictures of me are off his social media now.
Which lets me know, this was a conscious effort.
He’s gone now.
My favorite person in the whole world is gone now.
I just don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve another loss.
I keep wracking my brain as to what I did so wrong to deserve this life.
Why would he get on Tinder? What is he looking for that I don’t have?
How do you just erase someone you’ve been so close to for 5 years?
How do you ignore someone you spent nights in the hospital with?
How do you go from talking to someone multiple times a day to not at all?
I don’t know.
All I know is that I have to go on.
All I know is that I have to keep going.
I’ve been through way too much to let this stop me.
As much as it hurts. As much as I just want to cry, throw up and scream WHY GOD WHY!
I can’t wonder if he’ll ever come back.
I can’t wonder what I did wrong.
I can’t wonder if the last 5 years was all a lie.
Because I assure you he isn’t…..
He’s going on tinder dates, enjoying his life to the fullest.
So I have to choose to live my life.
I have to realize that our ship may never sail.
It feels like I hit the Bermuda triangle, cause none of this makes sense and it doesn’t feel like it can be reality.
I don’t even think I can bring myself to say goodbye to him, so I’ll just say bon voyage.
I’m flying to NC next week, fully trusting that GOD has a plan for my future.
I do ask that you pray, send good vibes and love my way as I cope with this.
May I find the ship I’m supposed to sail ❤