“Our love was formed in a blizzard, and in the end it was just as cold.”
This is very personal post.
Pretty much my heart exploding onto the page.
Reader discretion is advised.
That saying is true, as writers, we don’t cry, we bleed into the words of a page.
This is my heart’s bleeding onto this page.
I apologize in advance for the dramatics of this post, but for healing and closure’s sake I must get these words out of my soul.
Hi, its me, your chronically ill ex. I’m writing this letter to tell you all the things I never got to say.
First, I want to thank you for being with me through the rough moments my health caused. With you by my side, the hospital stays, surgeries and emergency room visits were a little less terrifying. I want to thank you for holding me on the days where I couldn’t get out of bed. Thank you for making me smile whenever all I wanted to do was cry. I often wondered if I was cursed with all that’s wrong with me, but you were the constant reminder that there were still good things in life.
I realize it isn’t easy loving someone who needed so much help, but you never made me feel like any less of a person. You always made me feel as if I still mattered. My illness was something we both battled. You were my partner, my ally, my best friend.
As my body changed, you never made me feel any less beautiful. You promised me the disease could never make me any less beautiful, because the beauty you saw came from my soul.
You never complained about staying home with me instead of traveling the world and visiting theme parks like our friends did. Our paradise was our time together. I didn’t have to travel to exotic places, because my whole world was beside me.
You brought me so much light.
And then all the sudden, my world went dark.
Without warning, your soul was ripped from mine.
We had everything. We had friendship, love, history, passion…..
Gone in an instant.
We didn’t even have the luxury of fading away.
We had it all, and then we had nothing.
Every day the grief hangs over me.
You ghosted me,
And I am haunted by you.
The thoughts of ‘why? what happened? what could I have done? what can I do?’ destroy my every attempt at peace.
In my agony from disease and isolation, you aren’t here to hold me anymore.
In my brokenness, I hold onto the fire burning inside me.
All I want is to know what I did to deserve this life.
It wasn’t enough to lose my health, my home, my career, my ability to have children…..no…. I had to lose you too.
I wish you well, truly.
I just wish I knew how you accomplished ripping your own heart and soul out to leave me.
How do you not feel this?
How do you not feel the emptiness?
How do the WHAT IFs not bring you to your knees?
You are now as cold as the blizzard we fell in love in….
But part of me hopes this is temporary.
I forgive you.
But if not,
I have to hold onto what is left of me.
My battered soul is stronger than ever. Living without you has shown me how much grit I truly have.
All I will say is I hope you are happy, I hope you are at peace.
True Colors always shine through.
A broken, strong woman who deserves closure.