*READER DISCRETION ADVISED
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*
This will be the last blog I will write for a while, but before I left I wanted to inform my blog followers of what’s going on and genuinely thank you for following my writings.
The above photo is one I took on my flight to NC. Thanks to the cortisol pump, I have been strong enough to do more things. Not cured by any means but strong enough to handle a flight.
After my brother’s wedding, I was invited to return to my homeland (North Carolina) and stay a while with friends.
I jumped at the chance to leave Florida, even if was temporary.
I got a one way ticket, had no clue when I was going to return.
The flight to NC was beautifully freeing, I felt like the pressure of being trapped in Florida had been lifted. I was going home…to my actual hometown of Winston for the first time since we abruptly left 4 years ago.
(I went back to NC during the hurricane, but haven’t seen Winston in years)
If you’ve never heard this song, it is everything that I could have written regarding the last four years.
Another day in this carnival of souls
Another night settles in as quickly as it goes
The memories of shadows, ink on the page
And I can’t seem to find my way home
And it’s almost like
Your heaven’s trying everything
Your heaven’s trying everything
To keep me down
All the places I’ve been and things I’ve seen
A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams
The faces of people I’ll never see again
And I can’t seem to find my way home
Cause it’s almost like
Your heaven’s trying everything to break me down
That line about the people I’ll never see again STILL stings my soul. My cataclysm of losses took an even further hit when my Hero, Dr. Todd passed away suddenly.
He was my only trusted doctor. He was also my friend. He was the one managing my care with my rare conditions. No doctor will get near me with this cortisol pump. I was supposed to get well enough and learn under him. But now, he’s gone. Sadly he leaves behind a wife, 5 children and a practice without a physician.
Thoughts of him swirled into my mind as I stared out the window of the airplane.
Never, in this world did I think he would have died before me.
It just reaffirmed how fragile life truly is, which made me assess my own existence.
I was flying back to home, but what were my plans? Where was my life going? What am I doing? How long would I be there? What did I have in either place (FL/NC)?
I guess that’s the beauty of when your life completely falls apart, there are no wrong paths to take because EVERY fear I’ve ever had has happened and I’ve survived it.
I looked out onto the open sky and realized that I was truly free….in a strange way.
What did I have left to lose? What was left to fear?
I have no money, no career, no marriage, no kids or any chance of ever being a biological mother. I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever loved at one point or another. Literally every waking nightmare I could have imagined has happened to me, and yet here I am……
When the plane landed in NC, I felt a sense of relief. I was alive. I was in a place I recognized.
Driving back through my hometown was bittersweet. I realize how different of a person I am now since I’ve been gone. The Winslow who left there was naive and believed mind over matter would conquer anything and everything.
But seeing the town made me realize that even if I were to move back there, I would still have to start over.
My family home is no longer there.
The people I loved and knew there aren’t there anymore.
My life there has ended.
It was like going back in time, seeing things from my past.
It was a harrowing reminder that change had come and it is an unforgiving force.
My life there is over.
I’m not sure why it took me seeing my hometown for that to click in my head. But it hit me like a train. I cried and cried that night and closed my eyes to imagine my life before.
I had to realize that my future was ahead of me. I would have to start over no matter where I chose to live, NC or FL. There was no reversing time. There was no grace in the changes that my life took.
The lyrics to that song kept playing in my head. “Heaven’s trying everything to keep me down.” I know it’s silly to think I’m cursed or being punished. I know in reality stuff just happens. But the little girl in me who believed in fairy-tales wants to blame some curse because it’s easier than blaming myself for how everything turned out.
How do I put this curse in reverse?!
I had intended on staying in NC for a couple weeks, but the emotional implications I tried too hard to handle got the best of me. I ended up getting a case of the shingles…again…. then my neurologist called me with some frightening news and I had to schedule a brain MRI.
I decided it was best I return to Florida after only being in NC 7 days.
When I left, I left with a sense of closure I hadn’t had before.
My life there was over. I saw it. I accepted it. It was time to move forward.
Upon my flight home, it started thunderstorming violently when we got directly over the airport. The pilot informed us we were going to have to fly around in a holding pattern until the air traffic controllers would permit us to land.
The pilot’s flying skills were wilder than what I was used to, he turned the sharp bank turns so swiftly it feel like I was on a rollercoaster.
The passengers grew quickly irritated after we circled and circled for over an hour.
I picked up on the irritation but then caught myself.
What was I in a hurry for? I had no plans to get back to. I didn’t really want to be coming back to Florida but knew it was best. I had no reason to get irritated at the delay. The runway would be available as soon as the storm passed.
I put my favorite music on and enjoyed the feeling of flying around in the sky.
The pilot came on the intercom and informed us we were having to re-route to St. Pete airport for fuel.
The whole plane groaned but I didn’t. I was in no hurry to return to Florida.
So, we flew around the sky until the evening turned into night. I watched as lightning continued to strike throughout the sky.
Would this storm ever break? I wondered.
I chuckled to myself because I ask that question a lot, referring to my life.
Then it dawned on me, I am literally in a holding pattern with my life.
I can see the runway, meaning- I can see where I wanna go and what I wanna do but I can’t get there yet.
I am just flying around in life until GOD or divine intervention or whatever decides it is time for me to land.
This taught me a lesson. All the passengers on the flight were in the same situation. We were all stuck in the air, waiting to land.
Some of us relaxed, listened to our music and enjoyed the wait……others chose to gripe, huff and puff and drive the air steward staff insane with questions of when we would land.
In life, we can chose to fight the circumstances, become miserable, bitter and take it out on other people OR we can chose to enjoy the moments we are in.
Do I like Florida? Nope.
Do I like hearing the man I thought I’d marry tell me I’m not wife material anymore? Nope.
Do I like having to live with my parents at 26 years old? Nope.
Do I like awaiting a disability hearing to determine the next steps of my life? Nope.
Do I like that no one buys my books or even bats an eye at the work I’ve literally poured my heart and soul into? Nope.
Do I like that my hero is gone? Nope.
I am thankful to have a place to live. I am thankful for the people who accept me as I am. I am thankful for people who are willing to take me in. I am thankful to have hope amongst the darkness. I am thankful to have met Dr. Todd and I will carry on his legacy.
I’m in my life’s holding pattern, my runway isn’t ready for me yet.
My next steps are awaiting my brain MRI and my court hearing in October to determine whether I get disability or not.
Then, maybe I can afford treatments and maybe get better someday.
Until then, Fly high my friends ❤
Wishing you hope, healing and happiness,
-Winslow E. Dixon
Below is absolutely my theme song ❤
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