They say age is just a number, and you’re only as old as you feel. That statement confuses me for two reasons.
(GIF below is actual footage of me trying to get myself in the mental stage to do anything LOL)
1- I live in Florida and the old people here seem to thrive way more than the average elderly population.
2- I went straight from childhood to feeling old due to my disease, so if you’re truly as old as you feel, I am 105.
Another thing that made me feel really old lately is I’m trying to find a way to get back into school so I can get my medical licensures and go into the field of endocrinology. I tried to request my SAT scores this week. I took the SAT in 2008. I couldn’t even access them online due to the time that has lapsed!
My hope in getting back into school is hanging on some upcoming testing I am FINALLY getting for my adrenal insufficiency. If you’ve followed my blog at all, you know I am on a not widely known protocol to manage my adrenal disease, the cortisol pumping method.
I have been trying to get a cortisol day curve test for years now. This test measures your cortisol through a blood drawn done every hour for 24 hours. It requires hospital admission and trying to access this test in the United States has been an extremely difficult task. I’ve been through six hospital systems in Florida and three in North Carolina who refused to run this testing protocol for me.
Finally, I have convinced the Cleveland Clinic to do this test and the endo team is working with the literal pioneer of the cortisol pumping method, Hindmarsh himself to get the accurate testing accomplished!
It is scheduled for May 11, 2021!
It’s taken me YEARS to get to this point. This is HUGE PROGRESS!
My hope, prayer and sincerest wish is that this test gives me the answers as to why I am still not at the function I want to be. I want to be able to function again. I want to go back to school. I want to help people like me.
I’ve always been an incredibly type A personality. I’ve been called pushy, assertive, bossy, you name it. The past few years of having to rely on others has been a definite test of who I am. But I hope I have learned to prune the bad parts of who I am and excel in the good parts through my struggles.
I look at my reflection in the mirror and I just want to apologize to that girl. I’m so sorry I didn’t know about the pump earlier. I am so sorry I let this disease get so far. The weight, the scars, the lost fertility and years of life/youth that were erased just makes me grit my teeth and swear that if I can help it, I’ll never let another soul suffer the way that I have. I feel like I am on a mission to save others from my fate. There are better options for adrenal insufficiency, and had I known earlier, I wouldn’t be where I’m at.
Maybe Caleb and I would have married? Maybe I’d have had children? Maybe I’d be working in geriatrics? Maybe I would still know Nelson, Thomas, Mitchell and my grandmother by name?
I can’t let myself wonder what could have been, I have to live with what is.
But I honestly believe GOD works through all things, even the darkness in the world.
Deuteronomy 30:8-9 ESV
8 And you shall again obey the voice of the Lord and keep all his commandments that I command you today.
9 The Lord your God will make you abundantly prosperous in all the work of your hand, in the fruit of your womb and in the fruit of your cattle and in the fruit of your ground. For the Lord will again take delight in prospering you, as he took delight in your fathers,
Many things in this world we don’t understand and the only thing we can cling to is the fact that GOD works through it ALL. Nothing is too bad that GOD can’t turn it around. There is no problem He cannot solve.
So, I’ll conclude this post with a song that I feel like speaks to all of us chronic illness warriors!
The song below is an incredible inspiration to me. It is not a religious gospel song by any means, but the song states a powerful anthem,
I look ahead to all the plans that we made
And the dreams that we had
I’m in a world that tries to take ’em away
Oh, but I’m taking ’em back!
All this time I’ve just been to blind to understand
What should matter to me
My friend, this life we live
Is not what we have, it’s what we believe
It’s not my time
I’m not going
Wishing you all hope, healing & happiness!