Arsenic Cupcakes & Grenades

Keeping the house clean, paying bills, going to work, grocery shopping, preparing meals, going to doctor appointments, walking the dog, picking up the kids from school, taking kids to sports games, going to the gym, taking care of elderly parents- the list of adult responsibilities goes on and on.

One positive thing that happens when you become disabled, is that you are forced to slow down.

You are forced to be intentional about every ounce of energy you spend, because unlike before you got sick, your energy is now limited. Because of how serious your condition is, you begin to prioritize your days much differently.

The tasks you once exhausted yourself accomplishing are now not even a priority at all.  Making money, having a spotless house, maintaining a skinny physique now fall into the unimportant category. You begin to realize that time and energy are the true currencies of the world. Your time and energy are the most important things you learn to budget, because those two things cannot be returned once they are gone. 

This lesson is an incredible blessing in disguise, because all the pressures of the world no longer fuel you.

You give yourself grace that there may be dishes in the sink, but that means you had a meal to eat.

You forgive yourself for your looks, because you are doing your best to survive in a body that is broken. When you’ve been through a war, you’re going to have scars. There is beauty in you, despite the weight, the scars, the sores, the rashes and the bruises. Let every imperfection you bear because of the disease remind you that YOU ARE A SURVIVOR, not a victim. Every scar represents a medal from battles won.  

You no longer force yourself to vacuum, dust or mop when you don’t even have the strength to stand up. You have to realize that your physical environment does not define who you are. A messy house that you cannot clean due to your health does not make you lazy. 

You longer force yourself to cross oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump a puddle for you.

This does not mean you become selfish, but it means you prioritize yourself enough to say “no” to things and people that harm you. Empathy in the hands of a narcissist is a grenade. Saying “no” and setting boundaries allows you to keep the pin in the grenade and avoid an explosion. If someone does not respect your boundaries, they don’t respect you. You owe NOTHING to these types of people. As the Bible says, dust off your feet and don’t caste your pearls before swine.

Money stops being important at all. In fact, you grow to kind of hate it because it keeps the people you love away from you. You realize that minus what society tells you, money does not solve all problems. In fact, it causes them. Stressing out about bills doesn’t pay them, it just makes you sicker. If something goes unpaid, you just learn to live without it. Even if you lose everything you’ve got and end up in a homeless shelter with your loved ones, you kept what was important to you.  

Stop caring about what you cannot control. The only thing that matters to you is your loved ones.

On the flip side of the coin, it is hard to watch people in your life prioritizing jobs and money when all you want is time with them. In a way, your new priorities take you back to your mindset as a child. You didn’t understand why mommy and daddy were gone so much. You didn’t understand they had to go to work all the time to pay bills. All you knew is that you wanted your family with you and didn’t like having to be left behind. At 32 years old, I found myself with this mindset again. I watch everyone live and work around me as I sit around and wait. I make the joke that I am like a little dog, waiting to be taken outside and go on my little car ride when my husband gets home from work.

(Below is a photo of one of our little “joy rides” to get me out of the house on days I am able to)

Of course we are all supposed to do our best, pay our bills and contribute to society, but how often do we overexert ourselves and our schedules?

Do we really need ALL that we have? Do we really need to be doing ALL that extra stuff?

This mindset is really hard for driven type A people. Society conditions us that we need to be productive every single day and our worth is determined by what we do. But it is more important to judge our worth by who we are.

I can promise you, when the chips are down, all you want is your loved ones around you. That is truly all that matters.

The point I want to make here is this, those of us forced to the sidelines due to health prioritize time with you more than you realize. When you are constantly too busy for them, it hurts them, deeply.

We understand you have responsibilities, but when you reject us EVERY SINGLE instance when we just ask to spend time with you because of something else you have to do, it hurts.

This is the “move the goalpost” mindset. These people have goals, then they meet them, then immediately move into the next goal post without even taking time to acknowledge the last one. They are constantly moving to the next thing, never stopping to see that the real purpose of their life, is spending it with the ones they love.

They get so busy making a life, they forget to actually live it.

I am done begging these people to spend time with me. I am done asking for visits, done asking them to make bread with me, done asking for shopping trips or watching movies together.

I don’t know how much more I can express that PEOPLE ARE THE PRIORITY.

I am not saying shirk responsibilities, but learn to prioritize people in addition to those responsibilities.

You are in control of your life, your schedule and what you do with your time. Even if you don’t think so, trust me, you really do. Disability has taught me that. Life has a way of teaching you things, the hard way.

Don’t let losing someone you love teach you this lesson.

When my parents moved away, I was absolutely devastated.

After selling my North Carolina house to move next to them in Florida and battling weekly near-death experiences and becoming visually impaired (legally blind), I was forced to relearn how to do life. Thank GOD, I have my husband, but he works full time, and my days are spent alone.    

I don’t have the ability to drive anymore so unless JP is home, I cannot leave my house. The isolation coupled with the chronic pain, low cortisol, blindness and our lack of money paralyzed me. I was upset that God kept waking me up every morning. I kept asking Him why because I was useless here! How could I serve Him in this prison of a life?

I spent weeks crying over this, only to realize that I was in control of how I felt.

I could cry over how left behind I felt by my parents and feel regret over selling my house, or I could determine that I would value my time by myself and with my husband even more.

I am going to take this season of my life with grace and patience. I will write books with the adaptive text to speech services as much as my health allows. I will take this time to focus on me and my healing. I will rest. I will eat nutritiously. I will grow as a person. I will enjoy every day to the best of my ability. Even on the bad days, I will focus on good things.

We hope to save up enough money to move back home to North Carolina someday. Until then, I have really been focusing on forgiveness, not just for myself but for how other’s actions have impacted me.

God has taught me to look at the INTENT behind the actions.

Sometimes people make decisions for themselves, and you are just collateral damage in the process. They didn’t directly mean to hurt you, but sometimes it inadvertently happens. If someone hurts you intentionally, you still have to forgive them but that does not mean you have to continue maintaining the relationship. If someone hurts you unintentionally and you let them know your feelings and they change their behavior, the relationship can be saved. But if you let them know how they hurt you and they defend their actions and refuse to change their behavior, it is time to cut that tie.

I call these types of people arsenic cupcakes. They may have some good, sweet qualities you enjoy but ultimately, they are poison. The more you expose yourself to them, the sicker you will get.

My message to anyone reading now is this:

1. Prioritize people. Let the tasks wait.
2. Set boundaries and don’t feel guilty about doing so.
3. Budget your time and energy just like you do your money because it is way more important.
4. Forgive yourself and others, but don’t hand backstabbers the knife back to hurt you again.
5. All you can do is your best and that is enough.

Wishing you hope, healing & happiness.

Love, Win

You are in control ❤

JP and Winslow appreciate all the support and below are ways you can support us during this time if you feel led to do so. 100% of purchases from our holistic store and Winslow’s book sales go towards her medical expenses.

PRAYERFULLY-

Please pray for healing, provision, and peace.

Specifically, Winslow’s eyesight does not continue to decline.

We are also asking for prayer that we can get her service dog soon. Loki, the service dog is in South Carolina, waiting for us whenever we can physically and financially get him. He will be trained to detect cortisol similarly to how dogs can be trained to detect low blood sugar in diabetic patients. This will REALLY help prevent adrenal crisis.

FINANCIALLY-

Donate: paypal.me/WinslowDixon   

Like/share/support our business:  https://www.facebook.com/hopehealinghappyco/ &  https://hopehealinghappy.wordpress.com/

Our Store: https://hopehealinghappy.myshopify.com/

Winslow’s books: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Winslow-E.-Dixon/author/B01MQK0TYK?ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true

Losing my Religion

In the arrogance of our youth, we make assumptions about our futures. We assume if we do certain things, certain things will happen. Cause and effect, right?

But when we get older, we realize that most of life is not under our control.

I thought I already learned that lesson, but the last six months showed me otherwise. My dad was diagnosed with not one, but two cancerous kidney tumors within three months of each other this past year. My mom was told she had abnormal protein chains that cause cancer in the form of amyloidosis. Not to mention mine and my brother Joshua’s on-going health issues.

In the midst of this, my parents, of whom I sold my house in NC to move beside, decided to buy a house in the panhandle of Florida, 9 hours away. They moved the week of Christmas.

Having a stress related disorder, I knew how detrimental all the stress was to my health, but I didn’t recognize the toll it was taking on me until it was too late. As a result, I was hospitalized from January to March of this year. I won’t go into much detail about the hospital stay, because I am actually seeking  a legal malpractice case because of the experience.

During my hospital stay, my father had a second surgery to treat the second renal tumor. My parents remained here in Fort Myers for dad’s recovery and stayed at the empty apartment they had moved away from at Christmas.  

My husband JP started a new job in a totally new medical career the very week I was admitted to the hospital.  He would stay with me at night in the hospital in Naples then drive an hour back to Fort Myers to go to his job.

I was finally discharged at the beginning of March. The post traumatic stress, med withdrawal and isolation has taken a major toll on my mental health. I pride myself on being a strong person. I have been through a lot of physical and emotional pain, but this year has changed me in ways I didn’t think were possible.

The thing is, when you get sick, the stuff you thought mattered doesn’t. My career, physical appearance, material items, money, etc just don’t matter to me anymore. When you lose your health, all you want is your loved ones around you.  I now have a constant fear that I am going to die alone and not be able to tell my family goodbye. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I type that because it is such a visceral deep fear that I face every single day now.

My parents stayed a week after I was discharged, but went back to their home in the panhandle. JP went back to work full time. My health insurance only would pay for a nurse visit one hour, once a week so we attempted to hire a sitter to help me with ADL’s. As luck would have it, the sitter’s son was hospitalized and she informed us she wouldn’t be available to help me.  This has been difficult because my strength in body and mind are both so compromised at this point.

Admittedly I am not like I was before this whole ordeal, not that I was great anyhow but I do not even function anymore. My eyesight is failing, my pain levels are high and cortisol struggles to even hit 1 level of one these days with all my body is battling. My brain is not like it was either. My short term memory is just about gone and I have constant anxiety and panic attacks.

Every day has become the same. I take cortisol every couple hours for the addison’s disease. I wake at 2am to take my first dose, go back to sleep then wake up again when JP gets up to go to work at 6am. He makes my injections, administers them and then leaves for work. Depending on my pain levels and eyesight, I do little things if I am able to at home until he gets back home at 6 or so. We eat dinner, clean up the kitchen and then go to bed again. 90% of my life I spend alone now.

I know it’s selfish and probably childish of me to want my parents to be near me forever. I know most families only get together on holidays and since I am grown and married I should not be as attached to my parents.

After all, we are all grown up now and should live our own lives the way we want to.

I think that is what is so hard about this for me, is because my health took the life I wanted from me. The ONLY consolation prize I got was that my family was close. I had a good relationship with them, like I always wanted. My parents were my friends. My health and pain are awful but at least I found solace that Me, JP, Joshua, Rachael and my parents were all together and supported each other through everything. If I had scary adrenal symptoms, or had an episode of blindness or was passing a kidney stone and needed support, all I had to do was pick up the phone and someone would be there. I was never alone.

Someone would be here to comfort me until the fear and agony subsided.

As bad as those attacks get, the comfort and support of my loved ones always gave me the strength to fight through it.

But that’s over now.

My parents are 9 hours away. Joshua and Rachael are moving away too. JP’s job keeps him away from me during the day and he is too exhausted at night to stay awake. At best, I get a few hours of his company on the weekends now. With me not able to work, he has no choice other than to work as much as he does. I am grateful that he is willing to work and provide for us, but as a person who is a total extrovert, these long days in pain with anxiety alone are making me lose my religion. Every day is the same, long, lonely torture session with no end in sight.

That’s another part of me that has changed since this whole experience. My faith has always anchored me in life. GOD is love right? GOD will use any bad thing for His Glory, right? We count it all JOY in our sufferings……right?

All these Christian catchphrases seem so trite to me now. The day my parents left, my heart shifted into a dark place.

That day, it felt like my heart shattered into tiny little pieces. I know we are all grown but like I said when you’re sick, you just want your loved ones around you. The constant fear of dying without saying goodbye haunts me.

Mom and dad headed out at about 6:00am to their new home again. Before they did, my dad prayed over me. His prayer was, “Lord, comfort my child.”  This made my heart sink because all I could think was, you could stay and comfort me…why won’t you?  You’re asking GOD to do something you won’t even do? 

Then it just spiraled into realizing I didn’t really feel comforted by GOD that much either. Ever since that last day at the hospital (which again I am seeking legal malpractice suit for) I just felt like GOD went silent.

But GOD doesn’t do that right? I mean I’ve accepted Jesus into my heart. I have tried to study His word and pray daily for a long time. Why did He feel so distant now?

I kept these doubts to myself and just tried to cope with the grief that my family was separated now. Every time I mentioned how devastated I was with the distance, I was met with the response of, “Well you can come here.” 

I am too sick to even walk to the bathroom by myself, much less travel 9 hours in my condition. Not to mention, my healthcare is here in Fort Myers. I am on medications which require bloodwork and specific timing of doctor’s visits to get refills in addition to the home health and physical therapists that come to my house. Traveling and moving are just NOT options for me right now, not physically or financially possible.

I prayed and prayed and it only seemed like things got worse. Our only car broke down and it drained our entire savings account to fix it. Our landlord increased the rent. Then right after the new rental agreement, we discovered there was a toxic mold outbreak in our home, which has still yet to be fixed. My mental health was completely gone to the point that I couldn’t even talk. I would just scream in panic or just stare at the wall for hours. Great stuff for someone with shot adrenals.

I wondered if GOD heard my screams at all. Had He decided not to help me?

There is a verse in the bible that talks about how God hated Esau and all I could think was, maybe GOD hates me too? I was in torment mentally and physically. The spells of blindness and the unbearable pain did not stop. I feared I would be tormented in this life and then also in the next in hell. The Calvinism seeped into my soul. What IF I wasn’t part of the elect? What if I was condemned to this hell on earth and also when I die? These thoughts were so bad they just led to me screaming in terror for hours by myself at home.

If my own father went 9 hours away from me, why should I believe invisible sky daddy God would help me?

I ended up confiding in JP that I was feeling this way and to my surprise, he was feeling it too. He said every day on his way to work from the hospital he would scream, cry and beg GOD for my healing but everything just kept getting worse. The disaster that final day of discharge just snapped something in both of us.  We had both lost our religion. I don’t think we will ever see certain things the same way as we did before.

I realize this is a super deep, depressing blog and if you’ve read it this far let me assure you that we do still believe in GOD. But I think the ideals that American, white washed Christianity paints are incorrect. Calvinism specifically *I believe* is clearly contraindicated in scripture. “WHOSOEVER SHALL CALL UPON MY NAME SHALL BE SAVED” seems pretty clear to me that anyone who seeks redemption from the Father will receive it.  

I don’t think as humans we will ever be able to understand the balance of God’s sovereignty and man’s free will.

I know I am done trying to grasp it.

JP and I have truly lost our religion. We no longer practice in the evangelical ways we grew up in.

I believe GOD is the Creator. I believe He loves us all and is willing to redeem every single soul who asks for forgiveness. I also do not believe in a “Cause & Effect Christianity.”  Just because you live right, does NOT mean the wrong things won’t happen to you. God is not some magic genie in the sky answering the wishes of people who pray to Him. Religion is a manmade idea of God. Faith is actually having a relationship with Him.  

This is probably controversial, but I can’t bring myself to pray for my needs anymore. At least not health wise. God is all knowing. He is sovereign. What He does is what he does. I am so broken hearted from asking for healing all these years. Can He do it? Absolutely, but at this point He has chosen not to, and I am too disheartened to keep asking. I will continue to thank Him for my blessings. I will continue to read the word. I will continue to pray for others, but I just can’t pray for my healing anymore.

Again,I have NOT lost faith in GOD, but I have admittedly lost hope that I will ever be healthy again. This last time just damaged me physically and mentally and I am not sure that can be reversed. Truthfully, I fear death but I think I fear living like this even more.  It is even harder now that I am alone most of the time.

What do I have to live for? More suffering?

My only solace left is JP when he holds me during the panic attacks and my grief over my parents leaving Josh and I behind. He grips me tightly as he endures the screams I release in torment as the pain rises and I face the realization I am too sick to keep my family together.

I have never before felt as hopeless as I do now. It’s like this deep-rooted sadness I can’t shake. I never realized everything in life could be wrong at once. My family and finances are gone, but I’m choosing to believe my future isn’t. I can still have some sort of a life, right?

I am doing all I know how to keep going. I’ll fight until my last breath. Actually no, I don’t want to fight anymore. I will rest and accept whatever happens. God is in control anyways, who am I to think I deserve healing? God owes us NOTHING but in His Mercy gives us grace. I guess I’ll just accept the grace He decides to give me.

I am taking life in ten minute increments right now, because that is all I can handle.

I hope you have the mercy and grace you need to get through your days.

Love, Win

PS- I am sharing this song because it’s pretty much on repeat now. It’s really comforting but also expresses what I feel like a lot of us are feeling these days. Hope it calms you the way it calms me.

Our family appreciates all the support and below our ways you can support us during this time if you feel led to do so.

PRAYERFULLY-

Please pray for healing, provision, and peace.

FINANCIALLY-

Donate: paypal.me/WinslowDixon   

Like/share/support our family business:  https://www.facebook.com/hopehealinghappyco/ &  https://hopehealinghappy.wordpress.com/

Our Store: https://hopehealinghappy.myshopify.com/

Winslow’s books: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Winslow-E.-Dixon/author/B01MQK0TYK?ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true

Chasing “Better”

I wanted to do a blog just update on mine and my dad’s progress. Dad’s surgery was successful, though his recovery has been slow and painful for sure. They were able to completely remove the renal cell carcinoma, but unfortunately had to take part of the kidney. It is complicated with dad because he was born with an ectopic kidney in his pelvis which does not always function properly. His body is adjusting to this change.

Seeing my dad recover from the kidney surgery made me realize how hard I was on myself after my own. My dad is the strongest person I know and to see how much fatigue and pain impacted him showed me that maybe I am not as much of an invalid as I think. All humans have limits, and lately I have seen my family fight through everything that has been thrown at us. Dad is fighting to get back to baseline and is SUPER STRONG despite all this!

Seeing my dad’s battle is part of the reason I am choosing a certain path regarding my own diagnosis. Last week, JP and I went to Motffit Cancer Center in Tampa to get a plan together regarding my health.

As much as I have been around disease, chronic illness and disability over the last decade, nothing could have prepared me for the intensity of Moffit.

While I was there, I met this incredible, lady named Mikayla. She was dressed in this gorgeous outfit that hugged every curve of her body paired with matching high heels. Her hair was extremely short and she had a port poking through her chest. I smiled at her and complimented how beautiful she looked. She thanked me for my compliment then proceeded to tell me she had to “Look good even when she didn’t feel good” cause she just got news her cancer had metastasized through 50% of her body. I watched her smile through the tears as she spoke of how she loved to get dressed up because, “You’ve got to flaunt what you’ve got before it’s gone.”

I have fought adrenal disease and MSK for ten years now, but cancer is a new scary word that entered mine and my dad’s life just a month ago.

I have come to some major decisions regarding where to go from here.

When I met with the hematology oncologist, I got the typical, “This is rare…..not much can be done about this……etc”  She suggested I do a bone marrow biopsy under anesthesia due to my medical history to try to figure out what is causing my blood and bone marrow to have issues.

I don’t know how to explain it, but the thought of going under anesthesia again just made my soul scream no. I have had so many surgeries and procedures. My body looks like it’s been through a war, because frankly it has.

I asked the doctor what would change when she got confirmation from the bone marrow biopsy, her answer, “Not much. There really is not a treatment protocol other than chemo and even that is not first line care.”    

I saw Cleveland Clinic yesterday for a second opinion, the doctor is going to run some blood tests to rule out things like mastocytosis and macroglobulinemia. If either of those comes back conclusive, I will have the bone marrow biopsy, but if not, I will not.

I have a time scheduled for October 13, 2023 for the Bone Marrow Biopsy, but if those tests come back in range I am canceling it.

The truth is, I just don’t want to know.

I feel like I have chased this elusive dream of “getting better” for so long. When I went to the cancer center, so many of those people had “expiration dates.” They had been told they only had X amount of time stamped over their lives.

As bad as my quality of life with adrenal disease and MSK is, I do not have this overhanging expiration date over my head. I just don’t think I could handle it if I were told I only have 6 months or a year or whatever. I don’t want to know.

Plus, so much of our time, money, effort and mindset is going to things I do not want to focus on. Our trip to Tampa cost us gas, money, hotel and food and we had some complications because, as luck would have it, the only car we have (my 2014 mustang) the brakes messed up in it the day before, so we had to rent a car. I know this economy is tough on everyone, so I am not trying to poor mouth here but I just do not want to send us into bankruptcy with some wild hope I’ll get better.  

My calendar is filled with doctor appointments and treatments again and it seems like life is just one endless uncomfortable, exhausting event after another.

I want to live now. I want to just endure whatever quality of life I have and just ENJOY what I have and who I have now. Sure, I would LOVE to feel better…..at least normal….functional at some point, but I may not ever have any better quality of life than I do right now. I have to accept that. My eyesight may not return. My weight may never come back down. I may never know a day without pain again. But I REFUSE to let that destroy the positive things I DO have.

I have such a beautiful life with people that I love, my husband, my parents, my family, my friends…….I am choosing to accept that is enough. I do not want to wait “until I get better” because that day may never come.

I am not giving up hope, but I am also done throwing all of my time, effort, mindset and money into chasing “better.” I am alive, as I am now, spells of blindness, pain, fat and all…..I am alive. I have been given THIS life. I was born Winslow Dixon and I cannot change that.

All I have control over is my choices and I am choosing not to follow the rabbit trail of whatever else is “wrong” with me. I do not want an expiration date looming over my head. I just want to live every day to the fullest and do the Lord’s will for my life.

I am done chasing “better.”

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:11-13 ESV

I have truly learned that contentment must be found in whatever state and it is a choice. I used to fight on my bad days and scream and cry to GOD to take the pain and the misery and the blindness away, but now I see those days as blessings because I am still alive to be with my loved ones. Are they still hard, yes? But any day I am with them I choose to be grateful. Pain means I am alive. Pain means I am still on this earth to be with my husband, my mom and my dad. My biggest fear is being away from them, so if I have to be in miserable pain just to stay on this earth with them for a little while, I will gladly do it.   

I guess my point to this blog post is to say I am accepting the way things are and I do not want to know anything else. If something else is lurking inside me waiting to take my life, I do not want to know and I certainly am not putting my body through anything else if I can help it. I have been through a war, now it is time to enjoy what I can, while I can.

I am done chasing “better” because in a way, I am better. I have a beautiful life, with wonderful loved ones and I will enjoy it every day as best as I can.

Please continue to pray for my dad as he recovers from his surgery. My prayer request for myself is that my eyesight retains itself, every episode of blindness that happens I fear it won’t come back.  I selfishly pray my pain levels regulate too. Lately, it has stayed at 8/10 and some days are an unbearable 10 and it just gets harder and harder to cope.

But, I am grateful for this life anyway, even if I am not “better” yet.

If there is any way I can pray or support you, please do not hesitate to let me know.

Love,

Winslow

Our family appreciates all the support and below our ways you can support us during this time if you feel led to do so.

PRAYERFULLY-

Please pray for healing, provision, and peace.

Pray for Anita as she is having to battle literally her entire family’s health falling apart around her while still working full time as a psych physician and a part time job in our family business.  She is carrying a HEAVY load.

FINANCIALLY-

Donate: paypal.me/WinslowDixon   

Like/share/support our family business:  https://www.facebook.com/hopehealinghappyco/ &  https://hopehealinghappy.wordpress.com/

Winslow’s books: https://winslowedixon.wordpress.com/books/

You can also support Lother by listening to his podcast.

He does this ministry to encourage others and receives no compensation. My dad’s podcast is a powerful reminder of GOD’s steadfast love. I know it would mean a lot to him if you’d listen, like and even share as you feel led.

Lother’s podcast- https://www.facebook.com/100063480433946/photos/

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Kick the Can Treatment Plan

Update on my appointment from Florida Cancer Center. (9/6/23)

*POST WRITTEN USING VERBAL ADAPTIVE SOFTWARE, PLEASE EXCUSE ANY TYPOS*

If anyone knows me, they know that I am a detailed person. I am a researcher I read and write all the time and I am just a big documentation person.

Yesterday, before the Cancer Center appointment, I was going through the doctor’s notes on the patient portal to see the lab results and to try to get an idea of where the treatment plan was going, just to mentally prepare for the appointment.

To my disappointment, the doctors notes stated that I had reported “no vision changes, no headaches and was asymptomatic.” The reason that I was referred to oncology in the first place is because I started having strange symptoms! (Random bleeding, severe pain headaches, blood rashes, severe itching and loss of eyesight) None of which were documented in the notes!

What was frustrating about this is, at the previous appointment, I brought in major documentation from other doctors, my health log, quality of life report and even a printed document stating all my symptoms and it was clear he did not pay attention to any of it!

I understand when you work in oncology you can get tunnel vision, but I was very surprised that he had not listened to anything that I had told him in the previous appointment. I was stunned at how the doctor had not listened to anything that I had said and didn’t seem to understand the ZERO quality-of-life issue. Even documented I had no headaches or symptoms! 

I have a dear friend of mine that I do voice messages with most every day. I vocalized my concerns to her about how this doctor had completely gaslit my chart. She explained to me that some people, especially physicians, typically judge a book by its cover unfortunately. She told me that a lot of times when I post pictures or videos to social media, I present like I am normal and well. Since she knows me personally, she is usually aware about how bad I was feeling that day or how much I was struggling but told me she would never be able to tell based off of how well I mask.  

She suggested I go to the appointment with no makeup, showing actually how I felt and not put on a show not try to mask and just go to the appointment. This was fantastic advice that I will be doing from now on.

When the doctor walked into the room and sat down the first thing, he said to me is, “What’s wrong with your face?”   (Professionalism and bedside manner of male medical professionals….right?)

I have had a lot of blood rashes and my skin has this ruddy polka dotted appearance from whatever is going on, so I constantly look like I’m in a roller derby. They show up on my face and all over my body in randomness. I try my best to cover it up.

I typically use what I call “tan in a can” to spray my arms and my legs to cover it up and I also wear makeup on my face, but I did not do any of that yesterday! I put my hair up I walked in there the way that I felt, and the doctor was shocked at the difference.

I realized that my ability to mask and my ability to cope with the disease is so strong that it is inhibiting physicians’ ability to see how poor my quality of life is. From now on when I go to doctor’s appointments, I will be looking as bad as I feel. I’m done masking I’m done trying to pretend it’s time that I face the truth.  I also asked the doctor to update his notes and state that I am presenting with multiple symptoms.

During the appointment, the doctor reviewed the results with me and explained to me that I have elevated Kappa light chains which are markers for myeloma. I also have elevated hematocrit, red blood cell counts, LDH and I have a deficiency in a few things such as IGG. He also told me every inflammatory marker lab he ran was elevated. There is some inflammatory process driving these kappa light chains.

He stated that my case was “unique” and he was not sure exactly he could provide the best treatment plan with the best outcomes, so my care is being transferred to Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa where they will be doing a bone marrow biopsy. Unfortunately, my appointment was somewhat of a “kick the can” situation and I am now stuck waiting for a referral to Moffitt Cancer Center. As usual, when you are a “rare patient” you kind of get passed around to doctors because well simply you’re rare. I don’t have a whole lot to report on this blog post unfortunately. I am just waiting on the referral to Moffitt Cancer Center to get this bone marrow biopsy scheduled and then we have to wait for a treatment plan. Addison’s and Medullary sponge kidney continue to be a daily battle. It is so funny how I was so focused on trying to heal from those two and now they seem to have faded into the background. My focus now is on my dad’s health and I really just want to ignore mine!

In the meantime, my father’s surgery is tomorrow ,Thursday September 7th.  My mom and I will be leaving in the morning to take my dad to the hospital (over an hour away), and we are assuming he will be there for the next couple days she and I will be staying in a hotel because the hospital is over an hour away.

My specific prayers are that my dad is comforted as he walks through this. I have had many kidney surgeries and I have been there, and I understand the weight that comes onto your soul from being out of control.

My father is the one who always takes care of all of us. He is the one who takes us to appointments. He’s the one who is basically the driving force behind our family. Not to be cliche, but honestly, it’s kind of a “wind beneath the wings” situation.

It is very difficult when you’re used to being in the driver’s seat to suddenly need help and to suddenly be in a vulnerable position and also have nephrostomy tubes and be on medication and it’s just a different situation that he’s never been in. Mentally it is difficult to become a dependent person all of the sudden and to have to rely on other people. And then if you add the physical pain and you know the healing process on top of it, it becomes challenging. I know my father is strong. He also has extraordinarily strong faith and we’re gonna be there to support him. But in my heart of hearts, I absolutely hate that he’s having to go through this. My hope was that because my health is so bad, and I fight so much that maybe my family would be spared. Maybe because my health was taken from me that somehow, they wouldn’t have to bear things like I do but that’s not how life works. I understand that I cannot save my father from this journey but I can be there alongside him while he’s walking through it.

I will be at the hospital with my mom, Lord willing to support her and him. I honestly don’t know what the next couple days will hold, and I refuse to worry about it. I refuse to let my mind wander. I have a rule that I do not think in hypotheticals.

The passage that I am clinging to today is:

“Thus says God, the LORD, who created the heavens and stretched them out, who spread out the earth and what comes from it, who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk in it: “I am the LORD; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you; I will give you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations, to open the eyes that are blind, to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon, from the prison those who sit in darkness. I am the LORD; that is my name; my glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols. Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare; before they spring forth, I tell you of them.”

Isaiah 42:5-9

The hope this verse gives me is that God is always doing new things. Our human minds cannot comprehend the plans that God has for us.

As I look back at my life and I see the miracles and His Providence and how he has always been there even through the worst of trials, it gives me hope to know that he will never forsake me.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and take this tumor away from my dad, but I can’t. The only thing that I can do is stand beside him as he bravely fights this battle.

Even though this situation is difficult it has shown me how richly blessed that I am. How many people can say that their family it is truly their best friends, and they get to enjoy them every single day?

Yesterday, my parents took me to the Cancer Center and we went out to lunch afterwards. We had a lovely day together!

I have been blessed to see the joys of the simple things in life that I would have never noticed had I not lost my health or my ability to work. Through all of these trials and through this difficult situation, I will look to the love that I have with my family and appreciate every single moment of that love. I will also be grateful that we all are believers and the Lord Jesus Christ and no matter what happens we will be eternally together.

I don’t let myself think about mortality anymore because it’s just too daunting…..so, what I will do is appreciate the fact that we’re together today.

If you’re going through something let me just encourage you that today is the day the Lord has made and we have the choice to rejoice and be glad in it. He gives us new mercies every single morning.

You don’t yet have tomorrow’s mercies you only have todays, so let’s focus on today. Let’s live today and appreciate the things that God has given us today.

I hope all who are reading this are able to have Peace of Mind today and that the Lord blesses you in an unusual and specific way that encourages your heart.

Love, Winslow.

Our family appreciates all the support and below our ways you can support us during this time if you feel led to do so.

PRAYERFULLY-

Please pray for healing, provision, and peace.

Lother’s surgery September 7, 2023.

Pray for Winslow’s ability to be able to be at the hospital with working eyesight, managed pain, and stable cortisol levels so she can be there for her parents.

Pray for Anita as she is having to battle literally her entire family’s health falling apart around her while still working full time as a psych physician and a part time job in our family business.  She is carrying a HEAVY load.

Please pray that Winslow can get a quick referral to Moffit Cancer Center and her body will be able to handle the bone marrow biopsy.

FINANCIALLY-

Donate: paypal.me/WinslowDixon   

Like/share/support our family business:  https://www.facebook.com/hopehealinghappyco/ &  https://hopehealinghappy.wordpress.com/

Purchase Winslow’s books: https://winslowedixon.wordpress.com/books/

You can also support Lother by listening to his podcast.

He does this ministry to encourage others and receives no compensation. My dad’s podcast is a powerful reminder of GOD’s steadfast love. I know it would mean a lot to him if you’d listen, like and even share as you feel led.

Lother’s podcast- https://www.facebook.com/100063480433946/photos/

ALL CONTENT AND IMAGES USED ON THIS SITE ARE OWNED OR LICENSED BY WINSLOW E. DIXON. UNAUTHORIZED REPRODUCTION IS PROHIBITED.

© 2023 WINSLOW E. DIXON: INSPIRE FIRE ©

Double Diagnoses

I want to put out the disclaimer on this blog post that it is going to be hard to read. This is probably the most vulnerable I have ever felt with putting this information out there.  It is never my intention to cause emotional turmoil to anyone, so please be advised this blog is an intense one. Reader discretion is advised.

In my previous blog, I discussed how after my 7-day prayer challenge for healing, I received some intense news. That news was followed by even more intense news.

I don’t know how to sugar coat this information so I’m just going to put it out there bluntly.

Last week my father and I both were told we had cancer.

My dad’s situation:

Recently my dad started having some kidney pain and problems. Having MSK, I was really adamant he be evaluated to see how his kidney function was and if he had any issues like stones or hydronephrosis. We got him into a local urology clinic who ordered a routine CT scan. 

My dad’s CT scan revealed that there was a renal cell carcinoma, a cancerous kidney tumor in his right kidney. I saw the report come across my tablet and my heart immediately stopped when I read the term “carcinoma” knowing what that meant.

He saw the doctor today, who informed him he is going to have to have surgery to remove part of his kidney. His appointment with the surgeon is scheduled for August 28, 2023. We are anxiously awaiting this appointment and will “go from there” to see what all post-surgery treatments are available.

Winslow’s situation:

Obviously, I have been battling health issues for years, but lately I have had some new symptoms that just did not line up with just being addison’s/msk related. Specifically, I have been having episodes of unbearable pain where I go completely blind for hours, sometimes even days. I have been getting  weird, painful blood rashes which show up  in random places all over my body that keep reappearing. (See my arm in photo above)

Additionally, I have been having some seriously scary cardiac and breathing symptoms. I also start bleeding from random places like my ear, my nose, even my feet and abdomen. It was apparent something blood-wise was going on with me.

I requested bloodwork, which revealed some alarming findings, so I was sent to a specialist.

Long story short, I am now under the care of Florida Cancer Specialists to manage a rare cancer. This condition is the reason for the recent terrifying episodes and blood rashes.

The next steps are getting a bone marrow biopsy and forming a treatment plan. I am not sure I will go through with the bone marrow biopsy, because it will not change the treatment plan and I also do not want to put my already cortisol deficient body under any more stress.

I have also decided I will not do chemo or radiation. My body has been through a war for the past ten years and I just do not want to go through anything else medically traumatizing. FYI, this “new” condition is not adrenal or MSK related.

Unbelievable and Undeserved

With my father’s situation, I do not understand how the most selfless man, who takes ME and my brother to every medical appointment is now in need of it himself. My dad is the kindest man you will ever meet. He takes care of my mom, me, Joshua and Rachael with no thought or care for himself.  Of all the people who do not deserve the diagnosis of cancer, it is Lother Dixon.

I have to constantly stay in a state of prayer over all of this because I am so devastated. I had hoped that because my battle with health is so intense, that maybe my family would be spared, and I could take it instead. How wrong I was to think that!

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

Isaiah 43: 2

God has repeatedly taken me to passages in his word that echoes the idea that we will go through fire, but we will not be burned.

I do not believe these cancers will take mine or my father’s life, but I do know that it will complicate life for a while.

Dad and I will need treatments and my mom and JP both work full time, and my eyesight does not allow me to be able to drive right now so there is just a billion worries to have about this whole situation.

How can we physically, monetarily and emotionally handle anything else?  

we CANNOT focus on the problems, we have to focus on the Prince of Peace.

Jesus knows ALL our needs. He knew my father and I would get these diagnoses this past week. He knows the physical, monetary and emotional needs we have!  

I don’t know what the days ahead will hold for my family, but I do know we are the most connected, caring family and we will GET through this.

As a family, there are ways you can support us during this time, if the LORD guides you.  

PRAYERFULLY-

Please pray for healing, provision and peace.

Specifically important upcoming dates:

Lother’s next appointment with surgeon is August 28, 2023.

Winslow’s next appointment with cancer specialist is September 5, 2023.

FINANCIALLY-

Like/share/support our family business:  https://www.facebook.com/hopehealinghappyco/ &  https://hopehealinghappy.wordpress.com/

Donate: paypal.me/WinslowDixon 

Winslow’s books: https://winslowedixon.wordpress.com/books/

You can also support Lother by listening to his podcast.

He does this ministry to encourage others and receives no compensation. My dad’s podcast is a powerful reminder of GOD’s steadfast love. I know it would mean a lot to him if you’d listen, like and even share as you feel led.

Lother’s podcast- https://www.facebook.com/100063480433946/photos/

In conclusion,

I am trying to cope the best I know how with all of this, but the truth is that this is hard. There is no amount of crying, prayer, meditation, that is a quick magical fix. This is a journey my family is going to have to go through, but we are choosing to GROW through it and we pray the LORD will guide and teach us how to walk through this very scary time in our lives with grace and courage.

I will continue to cling to my life’s verse.

Oh for grace, to Trust HIM more……

Love,

Winslow

The possibility of Worse

During my recent prayer challenge where I asked God for healing, I told Him I would accept whatever answer He gave me. I have tried to focus on that promise, just accepting whatever comes.

I figured I would either get better or stay the same, I never even considered the possibility things could get worse.

I am not writing this blog post to be negative, but to share the truth of what is going on.

During/after my hospitalization earlier this year, I’ve battled some very scary symptoms that never really go away. I had recently had bloodwork done that came back with some odd, concerning markers. I was told by the doctor who ordered these tests I need to see a specific specialist.

I saw that specific specialist and I can’t even bring myself to type the title of the specific kind of doctor. I am still very much in shock and disbelief and waiting on more tests to come back.

I will be very vague here until I have more confirmation on this issue, but all I can say is that I have to hold to my promise to accept what comes.  

God is not some magical genie who bends to our wills and wishes. He is an all sovereign being who exists outside of time, space and matter.

His will is way more important than my healing.

My new prayer is that He gives me peace to endure my life. These symptoms are just scaring me more and more every single day and I do not want to live a life in a state of panic.

If I do in fact have this new diagnosis confirmed, I have decided I will not go through with the treatment. I have fought so hard for the last ten years. The “treatment” is not one I will put my body through.

We have the choice as to where we put our thoughts and energy. I refuse to fixate on all the things that are wrong, because I will lose sight of all that is right.  So, I’m sitting here on my laptop at 2:10pm in the afternoon trying to keep my wits about me. I’m not going to cry. I am not going to give into the sadness or the physical pain. I am going to just breathe and hope that my miracle is on it’s way.

But if not, I am determined to accept whatever comes.

I just want to live, that’s all. I hope GOD allows me to be here a long time and enjoy many years with my family and friends.

I’ll just be grateful to have another day. I will be thankful for this day and hope I have many more.

^“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

In your life, what keeps your mind focused on gratitude?

I hope all who read this are finding themselves in a moment of peace and are able to feel God’s presence in their lives today.

Love,

Winslow

I heard you

Recently, I participated in a prayer challenge over my own health. I have been battling with severe health issues for many years, but this year has been the toughest yet. I have had two very intense kidney surgeries and was hospitalized for almost a month in the beginning of 2023, unsure if I would live to walk out of that hospital.   

Since then, I have been struggling with unbearable pain, scary cardiac symptoms and have been losing my eyesight. I have days where the pain is 10/10 even on pain medication and I cannot see. These days are becoming more and more frequent and have been majorly effecting my mental health.

Being in 10/10 pain and not being able to see is the worst nightmare I could imagine. Mentally, it is a battle just to continue these days.

I have stopped wanting to eat and drink because it seems just so overwhelming. Just breathing seems too hard of a task these days. The panic attacks that I cannot escape my body and the feelings that my human form is a prison have absolutely paralyzed me lately.

When the pain gets unbearable, all I can do is scream. I scream in the darkness, begging God for mercy. I cling to my parents and my husband, who can only watch in helplessness.

I am not one to just give up. I decided to do a “prayer challenge” to ask God for intercession over my health.  I asked family and friends to take 6 days where they prayed at 6pm and asked God for my healing. On the 7^th day, I was anointed with Frankincense oil from the Holy Land, draped with a prayer cloth sent from my family’s church in NC as my dad, mom and husband prayed over me.

All my life I have heard that God answers prayers in one of three ways, YES, NO or WAIT but I think His answer to me was, “I heard you.”

It’s been almost two weeks since I was anointed and asked God for healing. Last night, I had a severe attack to the point where I was screaming in agony and blindness for hours. It was clear my answer for healing was not an instant, “yes” but I knew God heard me that night I asked Him in intercessory prayer. I know without a shadow of doubt God absolutely heard mine and my family’s cries to Him during that evening of prayer.

I don’t like to question God. I’ve learned in my years of illness that sometimes when you start asking questions you get even more questions, and I just don’t like to pick everything apart anymore.

I simply just prayed for Him to reveal what He wanted me to know. I put my hand over the Bible and asked the Holy Spirit to lead me to what I needed to hear. He guided me to the following passage.  

“Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. 39 Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, “Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days.” 40 Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” 41 So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” 43 When he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” 44 The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.”

John 11:38-44

What struck me in that passage was how God repeated my own words back to me. “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me…”

It was like a confirmation from heaven that God had heard me and was still hearing me.

The passage goes on to explain that Jesus waited until it was “too late” for Lazarus. He was dead. By all human accounts, all was lost, but when Jesus said, “Unbind him, and let him go”  not even death itself could hold him back from life.

I am not sure if God’s answer to me is yes, no or wait, but I do know that He heard me. I also know that when Jesus says unbind her and let her go, no sickness has any power in my body.

Right now, I am not focusing on God’s answer, but just that He heard me.

How amazing is it that the most High Being that exists chooses to hear me? The most powerful, all-knowing God listens to my prayers.

The next couple weeks I will be seeing a few specialists to try and figure out how I can find quality of life, stop the pain and just be able to live.

Though I do not believe doctors can “fix” things, I do believe God can use anything He chooses to help my body heal.  I am hopeful He will guide me to the right people to help me be able to live again.

While I wait for God’s answer, I will rest in knowing He heard me.

He hears you too, so we can’t give up.

Love,

Winslow

ALL CONTENT AND IMAGES USED ON THIS SITE ARE OWNED OR LICENSED BY WINSLOW E. DIXON. UNAUTHORIZED REPRODUCTION IS PROHIBITED.

© 2023 WINSLOW E. DIXON: INSPIRE FIRE ©

Winslow’s books-

https://www.amazon.com/Books-Winslow-E-Dixon/s?rh=n%3A283155%2Cp_27%3AWinslow+E.+Dixon&fbclid=IwAR38bpaeUHfbsutjotcmzU8Eqa_i7QC6NBUmfm8IH8dHw0LBUQFCiBh3y6s

Weary in Well doing

“And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” Galatians 6:9 (KJV)

Weary in well doing is the state for most of us in the current day and age. We strive every single day to be our best and do our best. We ignore the negativity of the media, block out the internal pressure we put on ourselves and try to focus on the good things.

But even then, we can still become weary in well doing.

the truth is, we live in a world that is governed by one who hates everything we try to be.

The being who governs earth has a darkness and an evil in the world we cannot possibly imagine.

You are a follower of Jesus Christ, a chosen child of the ultimate source, the one true power, the Great Spirit, God our Father.

Because of whom you serve, you are an automatic target.

1 Peter 5:8 teaches us,

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.”

The good news is that you are protected and loved by the Most High, your life, your soul is owned and protected by your Savior.

Satan cannot take you out of this world, but he can use earthly means to wear you out.

Satan knows he has no true power to stop a child of GOD, but he also knows in our human states we can get discouraged, choose to give up and give into the pressures around us.

Let’s face it folks, we are EXHAUSTED. That is exactly how Satan wants us, indifferent and exhausted.

There is an old quote that says,

“Evil prevails when good men do nothing.”

This is the absolute truth.

When we are depleted, exhausted, hate ourselves and let the pressures of the world overtake us, we do not have the will or even the “want” to make a difference.

Why should we try when Satan already runs this world?

Why should I be using my tiny bit of energy to make a difference?

I am just one human, what can I really do?

These thoughts are exactly what the devil wants. He wants you to think you can’t make a difference, so you won’t.

He cannot stop you, but you can stop yourself.

This is why it is so vital to replenish yourself and not allow the pressures of the world to get inside your spirit.

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

We have the wonderful option to renew our minds every single day. We can choose to deny any negative energy, thought or presence the power of our attention. We have the choice to give our focus  to the positive things.

“Ships don’t sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them.”

This saying means, you have the choice to not allow what’s happening around you get inside your spirit and weigh you down.

When Peter walked on the water, he didn’t fall until he got his eyes off the Lord.

I believe Jesus put that story into the Bible for this very reason.

We cannot look at the world, or we will surely fall. We cannot let darkness or negativity get inside our spirit, or our hope will drown.

Let us not be weary in well doing, because we can and do make a difference.

Your life might be the only Bible some people will ever read.

You have the choice to replenish yourself when you grow weary.

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

💓Wishing you hope, healing and happiness.

Love, Author Winslow E. Dixon 💓

Winslow’s books-

https://www.amazon.com/Books-Winslow-E-Dixon/s?rh=n%3A283155%2Cp_27%3AWinslow+E.+Dixon&fbclid=IwAR38bpaeUHfbsutjotcmzU8Eqa_i7QC6NBUmfm8IH8dHw0LBUQFCiBh3y6s

Winslow’s website-

https://winslowedixon.wordpress.com/

Breaking Free

My health has been the dominating factor in my life. Anyone who knows me knows my life revolves around one word, Cortisol.

Whether its me managing my own cortisol, or advocating for better cortisol care options through my non profit, Adrenal Alternatives Foundation, Cortisol is my life.

Recently, the foundation hosted this huge event for Disability Equality and Adrenal Awareness. It was an incredible event and it showed me just how important the work is that we are doing. It showed me that so many people are suffering, and that we could help.

But working and living on the front lines of cortisol deficiency has taken its toll. I began to feel suffocated by my purpose, which was also ironically my fate. My symptoms are a constant battle, and I was constantly battling for those who suffered just as I do.

I was suffocating within the weight of my own fate, and watching the world crumble around me was only feeding the stress on my empathic soul.

I knew I had to break free, because it was breaking me.

I think the concept of stress is really wrong in modern society. We think of stress as one solid event that makes us angry or causes excess emotion, but we don’t realize how we are literally bombarded with stress constantly.

It wasn’t until I made a conscious effort to eliminate EVERY stressor in my life that I discovered how truly smothered we are with stress. Chronic stress is parallel to American life.

The news constantly shows us disturbing images of disasters and suffering. It plays us voice recordings of ailing humans and hurting children. It tells us of death rates for diseases. It warns us of wars happening all around the world. It speaks of crime rates, murders and financial hardships.

The internet is full of opinionated cold people who expel negativity, hate and strife, shielded from the consequences of their words from the safety and protection of a computer screen.

Social media is filled with the realities of other’s lives, which can be both good and bad. People post about their joy, their sadness and record their human experience.

Even within our daily conversations, we discuss the problems in the world. We discuss the hot topics like covid-19, the war in Ukraine, the horrible impact of inflation on gas prices and the costs of food.

This is what we are constantly bombarded with.

Consciously, we may think this is just reality and the way that it is. This is life right?

But subconsciously, all of these images, sounds and conversations are being stored. They are being processed and held inside us. Your subconscious records everything, all the time, all your life.

You may not think you are stressed, but your body is like DUDE! There’s a pandemic and a war and we cannot afford gas!

Chronic stress is undetected and unrecognized.

I would have told you before, “Oh no I’m not stressed” because we get conditioned to what we think is just “normal.” We are taught to give 100% of ourselves every single day and just roll with the punches.

It wasn’t until I backed away from the “norm” that I was able to break free.

As someone with a body that literally cannot handle stress [my body doesn’t produce the stress hormones] I can tell you that stress is the BIGGEST factor in health. It’s not exercise, it’s not diet, it’s the body’s ability to handle stress and restore itself.

I believe there is a reason that restoration has the prefix of REST.

I quickly realize my body didn’t know how to not be stressed. I definitely got worse before I got better.

My migraines consumed me. My pinched nerves inflamed. My intracranial pressure rose. My stomach absolutely shut itself down and I suffered gastroparesis.

I wracked my brain to figure out WHY this was happening? I was supposed to be getting better! Why was I getting worse?

I prayed. I begged GOD for answers and I researched.

I believe GOD guided me to acupuncture and traditional Chinese Medicine.

Out of desperation, I went to a local holistic clinic and got needles stuck into me. To my surprise, it was the miracle I’d been asking for.

The very first session, the practitioner placed a needle in the top of my head and it felt like someone hit the “snooze” button in my body. Instantly, my body calmed and I felt like I was on drugs. This scared me! I told the practitioner, am I supposed to feel like I’m on drugs? His response, “You are on drugs. Your body is making it’s own.”

I felt calmer that evening than I ever have EVER before in my life. So, I decided to go back again….and again…..and again……. and scheduled to go consistently twice a week.

Now, mind you, I have been trained by western medicine. My positive reaction to acupuncture didn’t make any sense! This was pseudoscience! Surely this was a placebo effect? I obsessively researched to try to find the answer as to why acupuncture was so magical.

My migraines were decreasing. My energy was increasing. I was sleeping!

Upon my research, I discovered that magical needle going into my head had a name, Bai Hui. In traditional Chinese Medicine, Bai Hui is the point in the body used in acupuncture to “calm the Spirit.”

Naturally, I started researching more and more into Chinese medicine. I discovered that system of teaching recognizes the endocrine system, specifically the adrenals way more so than Western medicine did.

I have found more healing and more information about my own condition in a month of acupuncture than I ever did in my years in modern endocrinology.

Am I cured? No. But for the first time since being diagnosed, I feel like I’ve broken free.

I feel like the disease isn’t chained to my soul. I feel like I can live.

I feel like I’ve discovered the secrets to overcoming adrenal disease. So I will share them with my readers.

1- Eliminate Stress.

Get off the internet, take the apps off your phone.

If you want to keep social media, only get on it periodically.

Delete any source or person of stress and unfollow ANYTHING that is even remotely stressful.

2- Turn the TV off.

Media is full of things that empaths don’t need to see. I don’t want to see people suffering. I don’t want to hear children crying. I don’t want to see problems I can do absolutely nothing about.

3- Change your focus.

Focus ONLY on the things that bring you joy or that you can personally change or help. Love your family, love your friends and help them if they need it, outside of that do NOT focus on it.

4- Fill your Ears with good.

Only listen to positive things. This includes music, audiobooks and conversations.

5- Speak Life.

We have become conditioned to talk about our problems and the problems of the world. When we stop, it is amazing how much healing and vitality enters our souls!

6- Befriend your own mind.

Negative thoughts, worrying and personal degradation are messengers to your body. Sad thoughts, fear and anger LITERALLY send signals to your body to produce certain hormones. Take it from someone with adrenal disease, you want to keep those suckers happy.

Negativity is Poison. Don’t allow the poison inside you.

7- Stop living in debt.

Ok most disabled people are broke [haha meeeee] So, I don’t mean financially here, I mean learn to budget your energy and emotions just as vigilantly as you do your money. We are conditioned to think that we start out every day with 100% go to sleep and then wake up again with 100% when even in normal, non sick people this is not the case.

Somedays we give our all, and some days we have nothing to give. Learn to budget your energy and respect your body.

8- Eliminate the vampires.

There are some people who are life energy vampires. They complain, they tear you down, they are unstable and some are even quick to blame you for their issues. These people have no place in the life of someone with a chronic illness. If someone cannot respect your life, they do not have a place in your life.

That may sound harsh, but it is critical to health and survival. A normal, healthy individual that loves and supports you will respect boundaries and support you. If someone does not, why would you want someone like that in your life anyway?

True love heals. Selfish love hurts.

People will SHOW you what you mean to them. Watch actions, don’t just hear words. Words lie, actions don’t.

9- Practice Peace

Peace in life is the greatest accomplishment. It is what every single human should strive for. What is having a lot of money worth if you’re not at peace?

What is having the perfect body worth without peace?

In this crazy world how can you make your own peace?

Fill your mind with thoughts of gratitude, memories of joy and hope for the future.

Make your home [or even just your room] your sanctuary. Put up pictures of good times. Decorate with things that make you smile. Paint your favorite colors.

Play positive vibes in your home. Solfeggio Frequencies are HIGHLY recommended.

Do not allow negative energy into your home.

[I literally have a sign in my foyer that says the rules of my house. Leave your shoes and bad vibes outside 😀 ]

10- Believe.

I honestly think half the reason I am doing better, is because I believed I could. My theme for 2022 was

“Believe, even if you don’t.”

We have to BELIEVE in ourselves. We have to BELIEVE we can experience Joy. We have to BELIEVE our lives are worth living, so they will be.

Am I cured? No, but I believe I have healed.

Wishing you hope, healing & happiness.

Love,

Win

A Cross LESS Heavy

I haven’t updated this blog since my last post when I discussed the exciting news that I finally got Cleveland Clinic to approve my life changing request to have a 24 hour cortisol test done to evaluate why my adrenal insufficiency is so bad. My hope was that this test would shed light as to why I am still struggling with quality of life.

The test, unfortunately never happened. The Cleveland Clinic endocrinologist I was seeing dismissed me as a patient, citing the reason she did not have the knowledge base to best manage my care. Which, I respect because it takes a lot of courage to admit when you don’t know something, especially as one of the top medical professionals in such a prestigious system that Cleveland Clinic is.

She referred my care to the adrenal specialist at Mayo Clinic. I waited months for my appointment. The Mayo clinic endocrinologist was incredibly knowledgeable about adrenal insufficiency but told me what I already knew. I was doing everything possible and she wasn’t sure why I was struggling. She suggested adjusting my current meds but offered no real solutions.

I was grateful to have spoken to a doctor who understood how difficult adrenal disease was to manage, even though it was disappointing she could not help me.

My quality of life continued to decline. The headaches became so unbearable that I ended up in the emergency department, unable to speak, move my jaw and trembling from immense pain during the weekend of Thanksgiving. After that event, I saw a neurologist and an orthopedic specialist, who both concluded I needed an MRI.

I had always assumed these unbearable migraines were from the unstable cortisol levels but to my surprise, the MRI concluded I had many herniated cervical discs and pinched nerves. I have suffered with these issues for years and for the first time ever, there was physical proof of the agony.

The doctors prescribed me a nerve medication, mild muscle relaxer and put me into a physical therapy intensive.

I fully attribute the steroids I’m forced to be on to manage addison’s disease for creating this issue. Steroid side effects have been no stranger to my life. The weight gain, blood sugar issues and now the thinning of my bones. Made me wonder if the treatment was actually as bad as the disease.

But also, for the first time in a long time. I had hope that maybe if this issue was “fixed” I could find better quality of life again. If I had less unbearable pain, I could experience life so much more.

I had wished this same wish a thousand times. The dashed hope of improvement wasn’t something I welcomed again.  

I started to view my healing in a different way. I looked into coping methods instead of curing methods. The attempts of trying to fix myself were driving me mad. It was almost an obsession to get back to who I wanted to be. Thin, energetic, pretty Winslow was fighting to return.

I quickly realized that once things are broken, they may never again be as they were before.

This devastated me. But I didn’t want to give up.

I realized I didn’t have to give up, but I had to give in.

I had to give into the idea that this was the reality I was facing. My body is plagued by a disease process I cannot seem to stop. I had to give in to the facts.

But that did not mean I had to give up. I simply had to shift my focus.

I had focused so much on my broken body, I neglected the most important part of me. The part that is untouched by disease, steroids or the tragedies and losses my health has caused.

That part is the essence of me. It is eternal and will carry on far after this body is gone.

That part, is my soul.

I began to try to “heal” in a new way. I began to feed my soul. I dedicated my time to focusing on the things my health could not damage.

Every day, I made sure to do things I enjoyed. I went outside. I “earthed.” I felt the sunshine. I breathed in the wind. I listened to the sounds of life around me. I talked to God, and really talked to Him. Didn’t beg for healing, didn’t ask why, just thanked Him for what I did have.

I took the pressure of “healing” off of me.

I stopped the endless chase of finding “another doctor who could fix me.”

I gave myself permission to accept that I had done my best and may never be as I was.

I stopped making myself eat an extremely restrictive, caloric deficit to try and reverse the effects of steroids.

I gave myself permission to nourish myself without guilt.

I stopped forcing myself to get up early and function like a normal non healthy person.

I gave myself permission to rest and accepted the fact that living in a broken body is exhausting.

I stopped pushing my body to perform chores and tasks through pain and fatigue.

I gave myself permission that everything didn’t have to be perfect all the time.

I stopped forbidding myself from wearing pretty clothes because I didn’t like the size.

I gave myself permission to wear clothes that I liked and what made me feel comfortable, regardless of the size.

I stopped loathing the mess I saw in the mirror.

I gave myself permission to view my many imperfections as battle scars that proved I was stronger than what tried to destroy me.

I stopped hating the size my body has become because of my illness.

I gave myself permission to see my weight as protection, my body was just doing it’s best to sustain a very sick person.

I stopped pining desperately for who I was before the illness happened.

I gave myself permission to love and appreciate who I’ve become now.

I stopped trying to make sense of it all.

I gave myself permission to believe that somethings I will never understand, and that is okay.

Because the reality is, health isn’t what we think it is. In my opinion, health is just the absence of symptoms. That was my new goal, to lessen the symptoms.

I shifted my focus to ENJOYING life instead of ENDURING it. I may never get rid of adrenal disease or msk, but I believe I can lessen my symptoms.

I think that is what all of us hope, is to just enjoy our lives. None of us walk through live unscathed.  As the old saying goes, we all have a cross to bear.

We can either begrudge our cross or learn to carry it easier.

Personally, I laid my cross of trying to return to who I was before I was disabled. Though I still bear my health’s cross, it seems a lot lighter now.

I now live my current life instead of chasing the one I wish I had.

I wish I had a life without failed adrenals or medullary sponge kidneys, but that is not currently the case. I have healed from the oppression of “healing.” 

I am better.

Maybe not physically, but in life, and in my soul. I got better.

I am pasting this song because it is so incredibly moving. The lyrics are what I attribute my soul’s message to me. The line, “are you ready to break out now” hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’ve been so bound by my physical form, so paralyzed by the limitations it has caused, so damaged from the torment it has brought me and so lost from the people who walked away because of it.

Then I realized, my soul has been completely ignored. Who I really am has NOTHING to do with this physical form. My soul has been waiting for me to “break out” of this toxic pattern. It’s been there all along, just silently supporting the essence of myself.

I am ready to break out now. Ready to break out from the torment of constantly trying to redeem this body to its former strength.

Not anymore.

Now I will focus on the only things that truly matter: my soul and my loved ones.

Remember when you told me how our lives would change
You’d be leavin’ all your fears behind
I’ve been holdin’ a space for us

Uuh, say the words
I’m right here
Uuh, say the words

Uuh, throw me a line
You hear me?
Uuh, throw me a line

Are you out there?
I’ve been waiting for so long
Are you out there?

Are you ready to break out now?

‘Cause I’m ready for you!

I hope all who read this are at peace with the life you have and are able to bear your own cross as easily as possible.

Are you ready to break out now? Cause I did and I’m so glad.

You can break out from what is making your cross so heavy.

It’s ok to let go.

It’s ok to start over.

It’ll be ok, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Keep fighting!  

Love,

Win