Breaking Free

My health has been the dominating factor in my life. Anyone who knows me knows my life revolves around one word, Cortisol.

Whether its me managing my own cortisol, or advocating for better cortisol care options through my non profit, Adrenal Alternatives Foundation, Cortisol is my life.

Recently, the foundation hosted this huge event for Disability Equality and Adrenal Awareness. It was an incredible event and it showed me just how important the work is that we are doing. It showed me that so many people are suffering, and that we could help.

But working and living on the front lines of cortisol deficiency has taken its toll. I began to feel suffocated by my purpose, which was also ironically my fate. My symptoms are a constant battle, and I was constantly battling for those who suffered just as I do.

I was suffocating within the weight of my own fate, and watching the world crumble around me was only feeding the stress on my empathic soul.

I knew I had to break free, because it was breaking me.

I think the concept of stress is really wrong in modern society. We think of stress as one solid event that makes us angry or causes excess emotion, but we don’t realize how we are literally bombarded with stress constantly.

It wasn’t until I made a conscious effort to eliminate EVERY stressor in my life that I discovered how truly smothered we are with stress. Chronic stress is parallel to American life.

The news constantly shows us disturbing images of disasters and suffering. It plays us voice recordings of ailing humans and hurting children. It tells us of death rates for diseases. It warns us of wars happening all around the world. It speaks of crime rates, murders and financial hardships.

The internet is full of opinionated cold people who expel negativity, hate and strife, shielded from the consequences of their words from the safety and protection of a computer screen.

Social media is filled with the realities of other’s lives, which can be both good and bad. People post about their joy, their sadness and record their human experience.

Even within our daily conversations, we discuss the problems in the world. We discuss the hot topics like covid-19, the war in Ukraine, the horrible impact of inflation on gas prices and the costs of food.

This is what we are constantly bombarded with.

Consciously, we may think this is just reality and the way that it is. This is life right?

But subconsciously, all of these images, sounds and conversations are being stored. They are being processed and held inside us. Your subconscious records everything, all the time, all your life.

You may not think you are stressed, but your body is like DUDE! There’s a pandemic and a war and we cannot afford gas!

Chronic stress is undetected and unrecognized.

I would have told you before, “Oh no I’m not stressed” because we get conditioned to what we think is just “normal.” We are taught to give 100% of ourselves every single day and just roll with the punches.

It wasn’t until I backed away from the “norm” that I was able to break free.

As someone with a body that literally cannot handle stress [my body doesn’t produce the stress hormones] I can tell you that stress is the BIGGEST factor in health. It’s not exercise, it’s not diet, it’s the body’s ability to handle stress and restore itself.

I believe there is a reason that restoration has the prefix of REST.

I quickly realize my body didn’t know how to not be stressed. I definitely got worse before I got better.

My migraines consumed me. My pinched nerves inflamed. My intracranial pressure rose. My stomach absolutely shut itself down and I suffered gastroparesis.

I wracked my brain to figure out WHY this was happening? I was supposed to be getting better! Why was I getting worse?

I prayed. I begged GOD for answers and I researched.

I believe GOD guided me to acupuncture and traditional Chinese Medicine.

Out of desperation, I went to a local holistic clinic and got needles stuck into me. To my surprise, it was the miracle I’d been asking for.

The very first session, the practitioner placed a needle in the top of my head and it felt like someone hit the “snooze” button in my body. Instantly, my body calmed and I felt like I was on drugs. This scared me! I told the practitioner, am I supposed to feel like I’m on drugs? His response, “You are on drugs. Your body is making it’s own.”

I felt calmer that evening than I ever have EVER before in my life. So, I decided to go back again….and again…..and again……. and scheduled to go consistently twice a week.

Now, mind you, I have been trained by western medicine. My positive reaction to acupuncture didn’t make any sense! This was pseudoscience! Surely this was a placebo effect? I obsessively researched to try to find the answer as to why acupuncture was so magical.

My migraines were decreasing. My energy was increasing. I was sleeping!

Upon my research, I discovered that magical needle going into my head had a name, Bai Hui. In traditional Chinese Medicine, Bai Hui is the point in the body used in acupuncture to “calm the Spirit.”

Naturally, I started researching more and more into Chinese medicine. I discovered that system of teaching recognizes the endocrine system, specifically the adrenals way more so than Western medicine did.

I have found more healing and more information about my own condition in a month of acupuncture than I ever did in my years in modern endocrinology.

Am I cured? No. But for the first time since being diagnosed, I feel like I’ve broken free.

I feel like the disease isn’t chained to my soul. I feel like I can live.

I feel like I’ve discovered the secrets to overcoming adrenal disease. So I will share them with my readers.

1- Eliminate Stress.

Get off the internet, take the apps off your phone.

If you want to keep social media, only get on it periodically.

Delete any source or person of stress and unfollow ANYTHING that is even remotely stressful.

2- Turn the TV off.

Media is full of things that empaths don’t need to see. I don’t want to see people suffering. I don’t want to hear children crying. I don’t want to see problems I can do absolutely nothing about.

3- Change your focus.

Focus ONLY on the things that bring you joy or that you can personally change or help. Love your family, love your friends and help them if they need it, outside of that do NOT focus on it.

4- Fill your Ears with good.

Only listen to positive things. This includes music, audiobooks and conversations.

5- Speak Life.

We have become conditioned to talk about our problems and the problems of the world. When we stop, it is amazing how much healing and vitality enters our souls!

6- Befriend your own mind.

Negative thoughts, worrying and personal degradation are messengers to your body. Sad thoughts, fear and anger LITERALLY send signals to your body to produce certain hormones. Take it from someone with adrenal disease, you want to keep those suckers happy.

Negativity is Poison. Don’t allow the poison inside you.

7- Stop living in debt.

Ok most disabled people are broke [haha meeeee] So, I don’t mean financially here, I mean learn to budget your energy and emotions just as vigilantly as you do your money. We are conditioned to think that we start out every day with 100% go to sleep and then wake up again with 100% when even in normal, non sick people this is not the case.

Somedays we give our all, and some days we have nothing to give. Learn to budget your energy and respect your body.

8- Eliminate the vampires.

There are some people who are life energy vampires. They complain, they tear you down, they are unstable and some are even quick to blame you for their issues. These people have no place in the life of someone with a chronic illness. If someone cannot respect your life, they do not have a place in your life.

That may sound harsh, but it is critical to health and survival. A normal, healthy individual that loves and supports you will respect boundaries and support you. If someone does not, why would you want someone like that in your life anyway?

True love heals. Selfish love hurts.

People will SHOW you what you mean to them. Watch actions, don’t just hear words. Words lie, actions don’t.

9- Practice Peace

Peace in life is the greatest accomplishment. It is what every single human should strive for. What is having a lot of money worth if you’re not at peace?

What is having the perfect body worth without peace?

In this crazy world how can you make your own peace?

Fill your mind with thoughts of gratitude, memories of joy and hope for the future.

Make your home [or even just your room] your sanctuary. Put up pictures of good times. Decorate with things that make you smile. Paint your favorite colors.

Play positive vibes in your home. Solfeggio Frequencies are HIGHLY recommended.

Do not allow negative energy into your home.

[I literally have a sign in my foyer that says the rules of my house. Leave your shoes and bad vibes outside 😀 ]

10- Believe.

I honestly think half the reason I am doing better, is because I believed I could. My theme for 2022 was

“Believe, even if you don’t.”

We have to BELIEVE in ourselves. We have to BELIEVE we can experience Joy. We have to BELIEVE our lives are worth living, so they will be.

Am I cured? No, but I believe I have healed.

Wishing you hope, healing & happiness.

Love,

Win

Age, Dreams and Day Curve Testing

They say age is just a number, and you’re only as old as you feel. That statement confuses me for two reasons.

(GIF below is actual footage of me trying to get myself in the mental stage to do anything LOL)

1- I live in Florida and the old people here seem to thrive way more than the average elderly population.

2- I went straight from childhood to feeling old due to my disease, so if you’re truly as old as you feel, I am 105.

Another thing that made me feel really old lately is I’m trying to find a way to get back into school so I can get my medical licensures and go into the field of endocrinology. I tried to request my SAT scores this week. I took the SAT in 2008. I couldn’t even access them online due to the time that has lapsed!

My hope in getting back into school is hanging on some upcoming testing I am FINALLY getting for my adrenal insufficiency. If you’ve followed my blog at all, you know I am on a not widely known protocol to manage my adrenal disease, the cortisol pumping method.

I have been trying to get a cortisol day curve test for years now. This test measures your cortisol through a blood drawn done every hour for 24 hours. It requires hospital admission and trying to access this test in the United States has been an extremely difficult task. I’ve been through six hospital systems in Florida and three in North Carolina who refused to run this testing protocol for me.

Finally, I have convinced the Cleveland Clinic to do this test and the endo team is working with the literal pioneer of the cortisol pumping method, Hindmarsh himself to get the accurate testing accomplished!

It is scheduled for May 11, 2021!

It’s taken me YEARS to get to this point. This is HUGE PROGRESS!

My hope, prayer and sincerest wish is that this test gives me the answers as to why I am still not at the function I want to be. I want to be able to function again. I want to go back to school. I want to help people like me.

I’ve always been an incredibly type A personality. I’ve been called pushy, assertive, bossy, you name it. The past few years of having to rely on others has been a definite test of who I am. But I hope I have learned to prune the bad parts of who I am and excel in the good parts through my struggles.

I look at my reflection in the mirror and I just want to apologize to that girl. I’m so sorry I didn’t know about the pump earlier. I am so sorry I let this disease get so far. The weight, the scars, the lost fertility and years of life/youth that were erased just makes me grit my teeth and swear that if I can help it, I’ll never let another soul suffer the way that I have. I feel like I am on a mission to save others from my fate. There are better options for adrenal insufficiency, and had I known earlier, I wouldn’t be where I’m at.

Maybe Caleb and I would have married? Maybe I’d have had children? Maybe I’d be working in geriatrics? Maybe I would still know Nelson, Thomas, Mitchell and my grandmother by name?

I can’t let myself wonder what could have been, I have to live with what is.

But I honestly believe GOD works through all things, even the darkness in the world.

Deuteronomy 30:8-9 ESV

⁸ And you shall again obey the voice of the Lord and keep all his commandments that I command you today. 

⁹ The Lord your God will make you abundantly prosperous in all the work of your hand, in the fruit of your womb and in the fruit of your cattle and in the fruit of your ground. For the Lord will again take delight in prospering you, as he took delight in your fathers, 

Many things in this world we don’t understand and the only thing we can cling to is the fact that GOD works through it ALL. Nothing is too bad that GOD can’t turn it around. There is no problem He cannot solve.

So, I’ll conclude this post with a song that I feel like speaks to all of us chronic illness warriors!

The song below is an incredible inspiration to me. It is not a religious gospel song by any means, but the song states a powerful anthem,

I look ahead to all the plans that we made
And the dreams that we had

I’m in a world that tries to take ’em away
Oh, but I’m taking ’em back!

All this time I’ve just been to blind to understand
What should matter to me

My friend, this life we live
Is not what we have, it’s what we believe

It’s not my time
I’m not going

Wishing you all hope, healing & happiness!

Love, Win

Next Steps

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve done the Flight from Florida to North Carolina, I’d definitely be able to afford something fancy! Tomorrow I will once again be flying to NC, but this time, it’s different. This time, I will be packing my house up and preparing to move permanently to Florida in order to get my health straight.

My little life in North Carolina the past year has been an amazing reprieve from the Florida life I’ve had for so long. Its like I woke up to a completely different existence. I got married, I moved into a house in the woods and experienced a totally different life. I feel like GOD gave me a break from Florida to give me enough rest to return to Florida, where I am supposed to be.

It’s so ironic that I am even admitting that Florida is where I am supposed to be. I pined for North Carolina so long after leaving it so many years ago. But the opportunities, healthcare options and loved ones here remind me that this is where GOD has called me to be.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit I wasn’t frustrated that I am having to leave the life my husband I have built together behind. This week we are going back to our home in the woods to pack up everything we own and start over again. But I know that my family, my healthcare and opportunities for my husband’s career are better here. I have to trust GOD that He has a plan, even though I wish I didn’t have to leave my little home in NC behind.

My prayers for our next steps in life are that JP finds a law enforcement position here and continues to make a positive difference in the world, protecting and serving people. I also pray that my health stabilizes enough to where I will have quality of life return.

Our next steps are:

1- Flying to NC. We are packing up our house and getting essentials to bring back down here. We are driving my mustang back to Florida this coming weekend, to stay!

2- Awaiting JP’s equivalency officer training date in order for him to become Florida Law Enforcement certified. Due to COVID, they are cutting class sizes and not hosting as many so we are having to play a waiting game. Once he gets into an EOT class, he will have to take a state exam and then once he passes, he can be qualified for an officer position here.

3- Continuing my work with the non profit organization, Adrenal Alternatives Foundation. We have made huge strides lately regarding helping disabled people! We are currently heavily involved in fighting the injustices happening due to covid restrictions which have negatively impacted the chronically ill community by not allowing patients to have visitors/caregivers present during medical events such as treatments, procedures and appointments. You can read more at this link.

4- Since JP is awaiting his EOT class date, our only income is coming from me in the form of book sales. I have recently released my fiction novel Townsend which is an inspirational read featuring the thematic elements of magic, angels and Native Americans. I also have my other publications, Cortisol Pump 101: A Patient’s Guide to the Cortisol Pumping Method , Adrenal Insufficiency 101: A Patient’s Guide to Managing Adrenal Insufficiency the Arsenal of Arrows Devotional Journal Challenge Series, the Peace by Piece 365 Inspirational Health Log Journal the children’s book The Shivering Sunbeam which explains disability in a way young minds can understand and Chronically Stoned: The Guide to Winning the Battle against Kidney Stones and UTI’s. All are available through Amazon, Kindle E-book and Barnes and Noble. I pray the work the Lord has allowed me to do encourages and helps others. All support is appreciated, even if you don’t purchase anything, shares, page likes, reposts, reviews are all so helpful!

Truth be told, I have no clue what the next couple months will hold. I am anxious about us having to go back tomorrow but I believe GOD will lead us in the right direction if we only surrender to His will!

Psalm 37:23

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.

Ready or not, here change comes!

Let’s keep fighting the good fight!

Love,

Win ❤

A heart in two places, be careful what you wish for.

“Be careful what you wish for you, ‘cause you just might get it all.”

I always heard that saying and thought it didn’t exactly make sense. Why would you not want what you wish for?

I wished, pleaded and begged God to get me out of Florida. 

In January of this year, all that I wished for, and even some things that I didn’t, came true.

I permanently moved back to my home state of North Carolina.

My wish came true.

But with my wish, came with the unstable state of the world within the tragedy of the Corona virus.

The irony was I now couldn’t easily get back to the place I avoided so long.

Florida was where my healthcare and my family remained, but traveling back and forth from NC was not so easy anymore.

I found myself remembering that quote…be careful what you wish for….

As many times as I wished I’d never see Florida again….I found myself eating those words…….

Due to healthcare reasons, I have spent the last two weeks in Florida. I get the help I need there to manage my medullary sponge kidney and addison’s disease. I have seen a marked difference in the standard of care. Cleveland Clinic has continuously not only saved my life but helped me find better quality of life, unlike the health care system in NC that completely missed what was wrong with me.

I started seeing the place I hated so much in a different light.  Florida was where I was my sickest, but it’s also where I rebuilt myself.  I always hated Florida for what it took from me, but now I see that It gave me many things too.

Florida gave me time with my family as an adult I wouldn’t have had otherwise. In my time during my bedridden days, I got to know the people who raised me not only as my parents, but also my friends. 

Florida gave me the chance to learn things I never would have had I not gotten sick. My books, my true passion for writing would never have been awakened had I not been forced to recover from my near fatal adrenal crisis.

All of the computer skills and things that I use in my new career, I learned because I was homebound in Florida.

Florida gave me the chance to establish my nonprofit organization, Adrenal Alternatives Foundation because it showed me a deficit in the world I never knew existed. It showed me how many adrenal disease patients were suffering without answers or hope. The 501c3 was born in the midst of my struggles in Florida.  

Florida allowed me to become the woman I am now. My purpose has never been clearer.

My hatred for Florida has turned into an appreciation for what it taught me.   

Now, the irony is, due to health I am considering moving back to FL to run the nonprofit and also try to regain enough quality of life to finish my medical training. My dream is to become a healthcare professional that treats rare diseases and places adrenal patients on the cortisol pump.

Be careful what you wish for, ‘cause you just might get it all.

My husband has graciously suggested that we move back to FL until my health and quality of life improves. We have been a part quite a bit since our marriage began in March due to my medical treatments here and him having to stay behind for his job.

My best-case scenario is that we retain the NC property we purchased together earlier this year and are able to move to NC permanently for our older years.

All I know is that GOD has guided my steps, even when I couldn’t see the path ahead of me. When I went to NC in January, I had no idea what I was going to do. I just knew I was moving back to NC.

GOD prepared a life for me. He gave me a new home, a new husband and a new life. Now I just have to trust that He will continue to guide me into His next steps for my life.

My prayer is that he keeps my marriage strong and focused on him. I pray he allows my health to improve so much that I can get back into my medical schooling. I pray that he allows the foundation to grow so it helps people and they do not suffer as I have.

May we all walk into the doors GOD opens for us. ❤

Love, Win

Adrenal Insufficiency 101: A Patient’s Guide to Managing Adrenal Insufficiency

When someone has adrenal insufficiency, they are faced with the task of not only replacing a life-sustaining hormone, but also replicating a failed body system. Artificially managing cortisol is a complex task and is vital to quality of life. An adrenal patients personal cortisol needs may differ from day to day depending on physical, emotional and environmental stressors. This book is a patient’s guide to managing adrenal insufficiency.

 

This book is a collaborative project of the Adrenal Alternatives Foundation, Inc.

There is so much false information on the truth of adrenal disease. I become so weary of seeing post after post on social media of how adrenal patients are not only misunderstood, but also mistreated due to the ignorance on the truth of adrenal insufficiency.

This disease is an absolute nightmare. It is NOT a take a pill and go live a normal life experience for most.

This book contains factual information backed up by credible medical sources, patient surveys and personal testimonies of real adrenal patients.

This book contains the following:

Chapter 1:Understanding the Adrenals 

Introduction

Terms to Know

Adrenal Conditions/Diseases

Symptoms

Diagnostics

Standard Treatment for Adrenal Insufficiency

Steroid Equivalent Dose Conversion Chart

 

Chapter 2:Managing Life with Adrenal Insufficiency 

Exercise

Nutrition

Weight

Mindset

Alternative Options

 

Chapter 3:For Family Members/Caregivers/Spouses 

Basic Necessities

Managing an Adrenal Crisis

Emergency Medical Protocols

 

Chapter 4:Critical Care 

Patient Perspective VS Outdated Research

Emergency Room Guidelines

Surgical Guidelines

 

Chapter 5:The Cortisol Pump 

Subcutaneous Cortisol Injections

What is the Cortisol Pump

How to Start the Cortisol Pumping Method

Pre-pump Lab Assessments

Establishing a Pumping Care Plan

Life with the Cortisol Pump

 

Chapter 6:Miscellaneous Care Concerns 

Blood Donation

Pregnancy

Alcohol

Cannabis and CBD

Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy

 

Chapter 7:Conclusion

Adrenal Alternatives Foundation

Sources/References

About the Author

Dedications

It’s time the truth of adrenal disease was told.

God’s Plot Twist

SURPRISE!   😀

If you’re reading this. You’re probably thinking IS SHE FOR REAL?

Well, yes….and I’m going to explain……

As I wrote in my previous blog, January was the straw that broke the camels back for me in Florida. I have been miserable there for years and finally it culminated to the point where I knew I had to leave to save my life.

I truly felt the strongest, gut feeling I’ve ever had that GOD was leading me back to North Carolina. So on January 17, 2020 I boarded an Allegiant flight back home. Little did I know it would lead me to something I couldn’t have ever even dreamed of.

In GOD’s amazing timing, my brother and sister in law (who truck drive) were scheduled to be in King, NC the same week I was.

I was really in a bad mental place with defeat and depression. I’m not going to lie, I was jaded…I hated men because of what the ones I’d dated had done. I was not in a great mindset.

Watching my little brother and his wife sweetened my bitter spirit. I saw how my once little, immature brother became a provider and a protector not only to my sister in law, but to me as well. I saw how his marriage positively affected him and made him a better person. I saw how Rachael and Joshua cared for one another and helped each other.

Josh and I had many conversations that week. But one in particular changed my life forever. He told me he was praying for GOD to send me a husband. I immediately scoffed at the idea and went into my usual rant of how I didn’t need a man and was fine by myself.

“Sis, it’s such an amazing thing when you find someone who was made for you. It makes life so much easier. You deserve that and as much as you say you don’t want it, I am praying GOD sends someone to you.”  He told me.

“Good men don’t exist Josh. Men are trash. No one wants to protect and provide anymore. I’m fine by myself.” I told him.

His conversation stuck in my mind and watching he and Rachael interact that whole week really got me thinking. For the first time in my life, I began praying for a godly husband. I prayed the LORD would send me His match for me. I prayed he would let me leave Florida. I prayed He would open the doors He wanted me to walk through.

It came time for Joshua and Rachael to get back on the road. I’d never tell them this, but I cried when they left. I needed their presence so much after the trauma and decided I wasn’t quite ready to go back to Florida.

My godmother invited me to stay with her. I left King and headed to Enochville to stay with her.

During this time, I was completely off social media. As a writer, I tend to be dramatic and sometimes I’m a little to verbal online so I decided to back away for a bit.

I decided it would be a good idea for me to start over. I stared a new instagram account. My new instagram was going to be dedicated to advocacy on Addison’s disease.  And that’s where the story gets interesting……

When I checked it, I noticed I had a follower I recognized.  It was the first guy I ever dated in Bible college (Pensacola Christian College).

I met this guy in Florida ten years ago my freshman year of college. He was originally from Virginia and I, of course lived in NC.

When we were young, we had the same history class and used to study together. We always liked each other but he didn’t return to school the second semester. We kept in touch here and there when we both left PCC. He even visited the church my dad pastored at one time.  But life happened and I moved to Florida and we lost contact.

I hadn’t seen or spoken to this guy in years….and me…..being me….immediately messaged him and was like HEEYYYYY is that you?

We started messaging on instagram and talked the whole day.

“You still in Virginia?”

“Naw.” He said.  “I moved to a small town in NC.”

“Oh really, where at?”

“King.” He replied.

“Wow, I was JUST THERE….”

 

We agreed to hangout on his next day off. He drove all the way from King to Enochville (which was an hour and a half)  to meet me.

Like I said, I was pretty jaded by men at this point so I was extremely hesitant to even meet with him. I had always liked him in college but was anxious to see him. I knew I looked completely different than I did at 18. I wondered if he would be disgusted by the effects Addison’s disease has had on me. Would he expect the same healthy 18 year old girl he once knew?

But something inside me convinced me that this was a good idea anyway. I may not be the pretty, healthy 18 year old I was…..but I was a strong, stubborn woman with a lot to still offer.  Plus, I was excited to catch up with someone who I knew so many years ago.

He came to pick me up at my godmother’s house and I specifically asked her husband, Mack to meet this man. I, apparently, am a terrible judge of character and I was tired of being around awful men. I decided I would have any male interaction screened by people who were good judges of character.

When he opened the door, I saw the same brown eyes I used to see while we studied at school, but I also saw how he’d evolved into a grown man. He was dressed nicely with a gun strapped to his side. I watched him talk with my godparents and saw how much he’d matured.

Then we went to lunch to catch up. I was extremely nervous the whole time. Our electricity we had in college was still apparent. I laughed and enjoyed our conversations, but kept my guard up,  But our connection was immediately apparent. We talked like we hadn’t been separated for ten years.

I decided to test him to see how he would treat me. I asked him to take me to my Aunt’s house to see my grandma…If a man will do that….He’s into you…….

And he did.

When we got there, I introduced him as my friend and just visited with my family. My grandmother, God bless her…..told him I was the ONLY granddaughter she had that wasn’t married and also that I was “barren.”   Great first impressions after being apart for so long……not…….

My toddler cousins Emma and Cayson were there too and he played with them. Cayson took to him immediately. So much to the point he followed him into the bathroom. He laughed it off and continued to play with him.

After we visited grandma, we went to a local park to sit and talk. We talked about the last ten years of our lives and the time seemed to just fly by.

I had a dinner planned with some of the Dixons that night, so I invited him to join. We all went to a local BBQ place and just hung out. We had a good time swapping stories and visiting.

That whole day seemed like we’d never even been separated at all. We talked just like old friends and seeing him be so good with my family amazed me.

When he drove me back to my godmother’s house at the end of the night, he told me he considered me the “one that got away” and wanted us to see each other again.

Now, mind you, I was in a mindset that men were absolute trash at this point. But my brother’s example and conversation we had resounded in my mind. I had watched this man’s actions all day and decided I should consider seeing him again.

But, I didn’t tell him that. In my snarky, Winslow way….. I was like

“Dude, why now?  After ten years you just expect me to immediately come back into your life?”  I explained to him how this year I promised myself I’d watch actions and not hear words.

“Let me show you with my actions then.” He told me. “Let me see you again?”

I didn’t answer him and sent him on his way. He left back for King and I had a lot to think about that night.  I planned to go to the other side of the state the next day with someone from my past. I laid there that night thinking of everything that had happened that day and about my memories with this man in the past.

I made the decision to stay in Winston Salem so I could see him again. I would be guarded and see if this man could really be a good one.

I agreed to let him take me to dinner on his next day off. I grilled him with every question I could think of. I showed him the scars from my disease, told him about all the trauma and fully expected him to walk away. But he didn’t.

My time in NC was growing short and I told him I had responsibilities I had to get back to in Florida. I had explained to him how much I hated Florida and how hard it has been. I told him how I hadn’t felt at home in years and how I was determined that in 2020 I would go home again.

“I’m not exactly sure where home is or even what home is, but I’m going to find it.” I tearfully explained.

“I want to give you that home. I want you to feel safe, provided for and protected.” He responded.

And in a booth at ihop in Winston Salem we decided to get married.

Introducing the engagement of John Paul Jackson and Winslow Elizabeth Dixon.

All I’ve been through….all the loss….all the trauma….all the struggle has led me to this moment in my life.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

I knew GOD would open the doors He wanted me to walk through!   PRAISE be to GOD, Great things He Hath done!

 

 

 

Sometimes, the darkness can show you the light.

 

 

GOD IS FAITHFUL ya’ll!   Don’t give up.

 

Love, Win

New Mercies and North Carolina

All I can say about 2020 so far is it has been the REMMMMIIIIXXXXX for my life.

I tried extremely hard to rebuild my life in Florida. 2019 was an adjustment with Thomas and Nelson being gone. I spent most of the year finding my independence again. I started driving again, getting treatment at the hospital and finding myself…by myself.

In August of 2019, I felt like I had rebuilt myself enough after Nelson’s abandonment and all the scary health trauma to try to meet new people. So I made a bumble account.

I met Steven.

 

And then I met his friend Sean.

We hung out. I was social. I felt like a normal social creature for a few months.

Then my lovely health started rearing it’s ugly head. The Medullary Sponge Kidney decided to act up and I had to have bilateral kidney stent surgery.

As you can see, they placed these very PAINFUL stents all the way up into my ureter….and let them sit into my kidneys for two weeks.  The stents were horribly painful, any movement and I could feel those awful, metal demons stabbing me inside. All I could do was lie down, take pain medicine and try not to lose my mind.

Steven didn’t come see me once during my recovery..so……I kinda knew our relationship was heading south. Needless to say Steven is no longer in my life and Sean isn’t either. I think I was subconsciously trying to replace Thomas and Nelson.

I won’t go into details, but our relationship went south.  When it did, I had just had the painful surgery and I honestly just got really depressed. I felt completely alone in Florida and was really just not in the best mental place. Florida has been where I’ve been the sickest, the most isolated and I felt my mental strength slipping.

I started having severe panic attacks. I am not a person who normally has anxiety but my brain was just toast from the surgery, rejection and trauma. These panic attacks were on another level……I could not function. I could not breathe. I could not talk. I just screamed at the thought of living another day of life. The thoughts of having to manage adrenal insufficiency and MSK for the rest of my life overwhelmed me. The memories of my past depressed me and the unknown of my future terrified me.

The only thought that brought me back down to earth was the concept of being in the moment. I had to stay in the moment. For the moment, I was safe. For the moment, I was ok. For the moment, I was surviving.

I honestly feared how I would handle being by myself when my parents went to work. So, I decided I needed to be around people just until my mind got out of the traumatic response. I bought a ticket at 6pm on Sunday and on Monday at 5:45am I was headed back to North Carolina!

I had to do it to save my life. I was crumbling. If I didn’t leave, I really think I’d have left my  house in a body bag.

And let me tell you, God honored my leap of blind faith. GOD SHOWED UP.

God’s timing is ALWAYS perfect!

In His perfect timing, my brother and sister in law (who truck drive) were scheduled to be in NC that same week.

I got to spend a week with them in King, NC.

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We ate Bojangles! We sang songs!   It was exactly what my soul needed after the trauma.

I absolutely love my sister in law. She has the sweetest, most giving spirit of anyone I’ve ever met. Being around her helped me remember everyone in this world isn’t a jaded jerk. And my brother always makes me feel safe and taken care of. My soul needed to spend time with good people.

Because of my panic attacks, I decided to stay away from social media for a while. I ended up starting a new instagram account and just started over. Which that ended up being a stroke of luck…..But I’ll write a whole ‘nother blog  about that 😉

I am walking into 2020 with the belief that better days are ahead. I have personally seen the faithfulness of God’s timing and his provision. He has shown me that I cannot take on more than one day at a time and I need to rely on HIM and trust that he has new mercies every morning!

When I left Florida, I was in the worst mental state of my life but I saw how God came through for me in ways I could never have imagined. The Holy Spirit gently reminded me that His Mercies would be present every single day.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

 

I have no idea what my future holds, but I know who holds my future.

 

I am Overcoming Addisons.

 

Keep the faith friends.

Love, Win ❤

Nothing left inside? A reason to fight

Just a warning, this is probably going to be the most intense blog I’m sure I’ll regret writing.  I should care. I should be sleeping now, but I’m not. 😀  I literally do not care right now…about anything….

READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

It is 1am. my typical blogging time. I cannot sleep.

The only reason I am up writing this is to distract myself.

Here’s an ugly, unspoken truth I probably shouldn’t mention, but I am anyway.

I am distracting myself from how many depressing thoughts I am fighting right now.

Right now, the thought of another day in this life is just too much.

My prayer for this year was for my independence back.

Well, folks, be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it all.

I have my independence now. Thanks to the cortisol pump, I am able to do little things again.  I’m driving, going grocery shopping, and doing “normal” things on my own again.

I exist here and spend 90% of my time alone. I am truly accustomed to my solitude and have found contentment in it. But I am at the point where I know this is NOT the life I am supposed to be living. The apathy seeping into my soul tonight is unreal. I guess you really can’t have it all. Back when I couldn’t drive I had friends and loved ones helping me.

As an extrovert who has housebound the last two years due to health, I am chomping at the bit to exist in the world again.

I am still not where I want to be health wise, but I have found massive improvements. I am going to the gym frequently and back to a bit of normalcy. I really hope I can be well enough to work again someday.

I feel like my entire life is controlled by my health. I do NOT want to live in Florida, I am still devastated Nelson left me behind.

I can honestly say I have tried my HARDEST to be the best person I can be. I just don’t know why I don’t deserve a good life?  Why do people who try half as much as I do, get triple the results?

I’m not having a pity party, I am honestly just processing my emotions through writing. There is this weird apathy running through my soul tonight. I have literally never felt this way before. I am so burned out from the last few years.

My heartbeat is my non profit organization, which has put a target on my back. Not going into details but that old saying about No good deed goes unpunished is true. So many attacks, misunderstood intentions…. I literally JUST want to fix a problem that DESTROYED my life. I want to fix issues that I had to face so no one suffered like I have. This disease took EVERYTHING. I don’t want it to do that to anyone else.

But instead, people would rather suspect the worst from you and tear what you are trying to build down.

I am burnt out with trying to be a good person.

I have burned my candle as bright as I know how. 

I have tried to make lemonade out of every lemon. 

I have tried to forgive, forget and reclaim my life. 

I do not want this existence anymore. Not for one more second. I am over Florida. I am over the day to day walk I do.

So, my only choice is to find a better way.

The desperation in my soul scares me. I feel like I’d do just about anything to get out of here, to reclaim all I’ve lost….to just feel ALIVE again.

Apathy is a new feeling for me. I just want to shut my soul down and not care about anything.

I have pulled myself off social media, changed my phone number and I am re-calibrating my own soul.

Please stand by,  Winslow is building an empire out of these ashes!

I wish all of you hope, healing and happiness. ❤

Please never give up.

 

Love, Win.

 

 

 

 

Also, this song

When the demon that’s inside you is ready to begin
And it feels like it’s a battle that you will never win
When you’re aching for the fire and begging for your sin
When there’s nothing left inside, there’s still a reason to fight

Lost in your world of lies
I find it so hard to believe in you
Can it be real this time?
Or just a part of this game that we’re playing through

I won’t give up so don’t give in
You’ve fallen down but you will rise again
I won’t give up

My demon is Addison’s disease. It rages, but I will NEVER STOP fighting.

There is nothing left inside me tonight, EXCEPT for my reason to fight…..

which is HOPE for adrenal disease……and the strength of GOD himself ❤

Failure

You know, I’m sitting here at my computer, knowing why I am writing but I’m just like…..trying to stay mentally above all that is going on.  This is NOT a whining blog post, but its real life, me speaking my truth.

I have pulled out ALL the stops this year trying to overcome all that has happened and the stuff that continues happening.   I have done energy work, am reading the Bible, staying in prayer, I joined weight watchers, I’m trying positive affirmations, I’m trying to visualize my healing, I am trusting GOD and I have put myself back in physical therapy.

Today, my physical therapist did energy work on me. She is a licensed physical therapist and also a Reiki master. She started at my head and worked her way through my chacras, when she got to my heart chacra, she began to gasp for breath and wheeze horribly.  She continued her work but then suddenly pulled away and left the room. When she returned, she apologized and explained that my heart chacra was disturbed.

“I felt your grief. I felt your pain. It was so strong it took my breath away. I couldn’t breathe and had to stop, I’m sorry.”

She told me.

 

I was stunned. She told me she felt how deeply wounded I was. She said she could tell how I had no closure in my life.

I immediately burst into tears at the realization that she was right.

Here’s the not whining facts. I’ve lost so very much in my life. My career, my home in NC, my independence, my health, my ability to have children and then this year took away my friends and the man I thought I’d spend my whole life with.

Horrible losses and not ONE SINGLE thing has been returned. I literally try my hardest EVERY single day to do my best. I try to stay positive. I try so hard.

I have thrown myself into trying to make lemonade out of life’s lemons. Recently, I’ve been trying to focus on my non profit organization and Satan picked up on that I think.

My soul is crushed. We have been attacked on so many sides, even internally throughout the organization.

NOTHING I am doing is working.

I am not losing weight despite Weight Watchers.

I am not feeling better.

I am not missing Nelson any less. Frankly it’s getting harder and harder to realize he’s gone forever. How can he live with what he’s done?

Physical Therapy Sucks.

I absolutely HATE living in Florida.

Here’s the most unChristian, shame on you response I have at this point.

WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG?

What did I do to deserve this life?

I legit am trying my hardest.

All I can do is keep trying.

My old life is over, my Nelson is gone. My career died. My finances are gone. Everything I wanted has been systematically erased from my life.

 

I dream of this guy’s face every single night, and wake to realize I’ll never see it again.

I wake up every day in miserable pain asking God to use me despite these circumstances.

I legit hate my life right now.

I don’t know what else to do, guys.

 

Look for the light that leads me home.

Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go.
Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down.
Failure.

Drive the cloud away,
We will fall from last to none.
The dark before the dawn,
The war will carry on.

 

 

All I know is that I’m not giving up. I feel lost. I feel like a failure. But the only true failure is when you give up.

I’ll keep trying.  ❤

 

Holding Pattern

*READER DISCRETION ADVISED

TRIGGER WARNING

EMOTIONAL POST

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*

This will be the last blog I will write for a while, but before I left I wanted to inform my blog followers of what’s going on and genuinely thank you for following my writings.

The above photo is one I took on my flight to NC. Thanks to the cortisol pump, I have been strong enough to do more things. Not cured by any means but strong enough to handle a flight.

After my brother’s wedding, I was invited to return to my homeland (North Carolina) and stay a while with friends.

I jumped at the chance to leave Florida, even if was temporary.

I got a one way ticket, had no clue when I was going to return.

The flight to NC was beautifully freeing, I felt like the pressure of being trapped in Florida had been lifted. I was going home…to my actual hometown of Winston for the first time since we abruptly left 4 years ago.

(I went back to NC during the hurricane, but haven’t seen Winston in years)

If you’ve never heard this song, it is everything that I could have written regarding the last four years.

Another day in this carnival of souls
Another night settles in as quickly as it goes
The memories of shadows, ink on the page
And I can’t seem to find my way home

And it’s almost like
Your heaven’s trying everything
Your heaven’s trying everything
To keep me down

All the places I’ve been and things I’ve seen
A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams
The faces of people I’ll never see again
And I can’t seem to find my way home

Cause it’s almost like
Your heaven’s trying everything to break me down

That line about the people I’ll never see again STILL stings my soul. My cataclysm of losses took an even further hit when my Hero, Dr. Todd passed away suddenly.

He was my only trusted doctor. He was also my friend. He was the one managing my care with my rare conditions. No doctor will get near me with this cortisol pump. I was supposed to get well enough and learn under him. But now, he’s gone. Sadly he leaves behind a wife, 5 children and a practice without a physician.

Thoughts of him swirled into my mind as I stared out the window of the airplane.

Never, in this world did I think he would have died before me.

It just reaffirmed how fragile life truly is, which made me assess my own existence.

I was flying back to home, but what were my plans? Where was my life going? What am I doing? How long would I be there? What did I have in either place (FL/NC)?

I guess that’s the beauty of when your life completely falls apart, there are no wrong paths to take because EVERY fear I’ve ever had has happened and I’ve survived it.

I looked out onto the open sky and realized that I was truly free….in a strange way.

What did I have left to lose? What was left to fear?

I have no money, no career, no marriage, no kids or any chance of ever being a biological mother. I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever loved at one point or another. Literally every waking nightmare I could have imagined has happened to me, and yet here I am……

When the plane landed in NC, I felt a sense of relief. I was alive. I was in a place I recognized.

Driving back through my hometown was bittersweet. I realize how different of a person I am now since I’ve been gone. The Winslow who left there was naive and believed mind over matter would conquer anything and everything.

But seeing the town made me realize that even if I were to move back there, I would still have to start over.

My family home is no longer there.

The people I loved and knew there aren’t there anymore.

My life there has ended.

It was like going back in time, seeing things from my past.

It was a harrowing reminder that change had come and it is an unforgiving force.

My life there is over.

I’m not sure why it took me seeing my hometown for that to click in my head. But it hit me like a train. I cried and cried that night and closed my eyes to imagine my life before.

I had to realize that my future was ahead of me. I would have to start over no matter where I chose to live, NC or FL. There was no reversing time. There was no grace in the changes that my life took.

The lyrics to that song kept playing in my head. “Heaven’s trying everything to keep me down.” I know it’s silly to think I’m cursed or being punished. I know in reality stuff just happens. But the little girl in me who believed in fairy-tales wants to blame some curse because it’s easier than blaming myself for how everything turned out.

How do I put this curse in reverse?!

I had intended on staying in NC for a couple weeks, but the emotional implications I tried too hard to handle got the best of me. I ended up getting a case of the shingles…again…. then my neurologist called me with some frightening news and I had to schedule a brain MRI.

I decided it was best I return to Florida after only being in NC 7 days.

When I left, I left with a sense of closure I hadn’t had before.

My life there was over. I saw it. I accepted it. It was time to move forward.

Upon my flight home, it started thunderstorming violently when we got directly over the airport. The pilot informed us we were going to have to fly around in a holding pattern until the air traffic controllers would permit us to land.

The pilot’s flying skills were wilder than what I was used to, he turned the sharp bank turns so swiftly it feel like I was on a rollercoaster.

The passengers grew quickly irritated after we circled and circled for over an hour.

I picked up on the irritation but then caught myself.

What was I in a hurry for? I had no plans to get back to. I didn’t really want to be coming back to Florida but knew it was best. I had no reason to get irritated at the delay. The runway would be available as soon as the storm passed.

I put my favorite music on and enjoyed the feeling of flying around in the sky.

The pilot came on the intercom and informed us we were having to re-route to St. Pete airport for fuel.

The whole plane groaned but I didn’t. I was in no hurry to return to Florida.

So, we flew around the sky until the evening turned into night. I watched as lightning continued to strike throughout the sky.

Would this storm ever break? I wondered.

I chuckled to myself because I ask that question a lot, referring to my life.

Then it dawned on me, I am literally in a holding pattern with my life.

I can see the runway, meaning- I can see where I wanna go and what I wanna do but I can’t get there yet.

I am just flying around in life until GOD or divine intervention or whatever decides it is time for me to land.

This taught me a lesson. All the passengers on the flight were in the same situation. We were all stuck in the air, waiting to land.

Some of us relaxed, listened to our music and enjoyed the wait……others chose to gripe, huff and puff and drive the air steward staff insane with questions of when we would land.

In life, we can chose to fight the circumstances, become miserable, bitter and take it out on other people OR we can chose to enjoy the moments we are in.

Do I like Florida? Nope.

Do I like hearing the man I thought I’d marry tell me I’m not wife material anymore? Nope.

Do I like having to live with my parents at 26 years old? Nope.

Do I like awaiting a disability hearing to determine the next steps of my life? Nope.

Do I like that no one buys my books or even bats an eye at the work I’ve literally poured my heart and soul into? Nope.

Do I like that my hero is gone? Nope.

BUT!

I am thankful to have a place to live. I am thankful for the people who accept me as I am. I am thankful for people who are willing to take me in. I am thankful to have hope amongst the darkness. I am thankful to have met Dr. Todd and I will carry on his legacy.

I’m in my life’s holding pattern, my runway isn’t ready for me yet.

My next steps are awaiting my brain MRI and my court hearing in October to determine whether I get disability or not.

Then, maybe I can afford treatments and maybe get better someday.

Until then, Fly high my friends ❤

Wishing you hope, healing and happiness,

-Winslow E. Dixon

Below is absolutely my theme song ❤

Enjoy!

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