The Will to Want

 

We’ve all heard the analogy about the glass being half full or half empty.

Some people always see the glass as half full, others always see it as half empty.

hamster.gif

I’m one of these people who sees it as an opportunity to go fill up my glass to whatever amount I want.

I’m a type “A” go getter personality. I don’t want to sit around and whine about how my glass if half empty. I want to go fill it up myself.

Last night I was talking to someone about some recent projects I’ve been doing. These projects are literally my heart and soul in physical form. I was so excited to share my news!

I’m in the process of getting my fiction series out to the public.

img_20181115_211411_033951006012.jpg

https://www.townsendseries.com/

And I recently have been doing some public speaking. You can watch a snippet of my seminar below.

I sent this person I had the conversation with and they refused to watch/read them, citing the reason that they didn’t understand people who needed validation.

“Why do you need so much validation?”

I don’t…. I just wanted to share pieces of my heart with you……….

It hurt me because I try so hard to be an encouragement, to still impact the world in a positive way despite all that has happened. I didn’t want my disease to leave me bitter.  That’s why I try so hard to make a difference. I want to be light in darkness.

I took it so personally when this person didn’t want to even acknowledge my work. I felt rejected, I felt like what I did didn’t matter at all. I suddenly felt like my puny attempts to fight against my illness weren’t worth it.

They were right, my demographic was small. I don’t reach many people…..

Do I even help anyone at all?

Why should I try so hard? Why should I force myself to work, write and be an encouragement through the agonizing kidney stones, migraines and Addison’s symptoms.

Why do I still try to be a kind person even though I’ve lost my independence, my looks, my career, my car, my finances, my ability to have a baby…..  I asked……

Their Response- “You wanted too much.  That’s the trick to life, don’t want anything and you’ll never be disappointed.”

Then the conversation digressed to where they said I had differing values and my version of inner strength was different than theirs.

Inner strength is ALL that keeps me going besides the LORD himself.

I was infuriated and heartbroken.

Had I wanted too much?

Why did I expect I would be able to have a career?

Why did I expect that I would be able to have children?

Why did I expect I’d be able to be young?

Why Did I expect anything good would happen to me at all?

I felt like my whole life was my fault. My mind started to tell me I didn’t deserve anything and that’s why things are so bad. I don’t deserve good things.

Is it wrong to expect things?

Is it wrong to want things?

 

I say no. Because I have to keep hope alive for things.

Not to whine, but this point in my life I feel so lost, so desolate and so disheartened I HAVE TO LOOK forward to better days.

Apathy is NO way to live.

I almost think apathy is worse than evil in some ways.

The ability to turn a blind eye to suffering souls is apathetic evil.

Part of me wants to shut down completely, walk away from everything and just say WHATS THE POINT?

I feel terrible every single day of my life. Why should I even get out of bed? Some days I literally can’t get out of bed no matter how much I want to. That is pathetic on my part.

Why should I keep trying?

Because GOD has a plan for me despite all the problems.

My lack of money doesn’t hinder His plans.

My health doesn’t stop his purpose for my life.

My lack of marriage doesn’t mean I can’t still love others.

My infertility doesn’t mean I won’t ever be a mother some day.

My lack of a job does not mean I am lazy, worthless and good for nothing.

 

My new focus is just going to be doing the will of the Lord.  I can’t worry about other people. I can’t worry about my expectations. I can’t worry about whether I will ever feel well again.

Thy will be done, O’ Lord.

 

So to accomplish this, I’ve turned my phone off handed it over to family members and told them to keep it for a while.

 

My soul hurts and it needs to heal ❤

I will find the will to live again.

 

 

Advertisements

One thought on “The Will to Want

  1. Rakhi December 5, 2018 / 10:13 am

    Thank you for your insightful words and understanding of life’s struggles. This helps me reflect on my life as well, and helps me put things into perspective. Keep writing!!!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s