You ever hear song lyrics that just explain everything you are feeling?
It’s almost 1am now. I never let myself be on the computer this late. I typically try to force myself to rest and sleep these days. I lay there and feel every aching pain throbbing through my body. Takes me hours to fall into a pathetic sleep state, only to be woke by my alarm for my cortisol every 2 hours.
I put myself back into physical therapy. I’m doing subQ shots of solu-cortef now instead of the steroid pills. I’m getting IV infusions every week. I’m anxiously awaiting getting on the cortisol pump. I am trying my hardest to live again.
I am trying to do everything in my power to change the life I have now.
I hate it. I hate my life now.
It feels so good to see those words on the screen. It’s like bearing a hidden secret buried deep inside my aching soul.
I always try to be so positive. I always try to make the best out of things. I try to see a blessing in every burden. I try to always count my blessings.
But honestly, everything is wrong right now. I hate not being able to work. I hate not being able to drive my beautiful mustang. I hate having to ask for help. I hate not having the food I like. I hate having to rely on other people. I hate that I can’t have a baby. I hate that I’m not married. I hate that my only social interactions are either through a computer screen or at a doctors office.
I miss home. I miss my career. I miss my life.
I want to just scream and cry for it to all stop! This can’t be real! This can’t be my life?
Will I ever have anything that somewhat resembles a normal life?
It’s not too late, it’s never too late.
I am fighting with everything inside me to get well again. I am pulling every resource possible. I am screaming my battle cry to the top of my lungs. I will chose to believe it’s not too late.
There is just so much frustration inside of me. I’m fighting this hard just to SURVIVE, not even LIVE…just barely keep my head above water.
Maybe we’ll turn it around
‘Cause it’s not too late
It’s never too late
I can’t even rest my mind tonight. All I can think of is how different I need things to be. I am racking my brain to ponder every possible escape from the current reality.
I will turn this around. I will fight this til the death. I will never, for one moment, give into this burning hell my life has become.
I can’t let my heart be destroyed anymore. I’ve been through enough. I will do whatever it takes to live again.
One day, I will live again.
I’m so hurt by so many things. The man I thought I’d marry is completely disgusted by me now. Everything I do is wrong. I will never be enough for this man.
And to be honest, right now I’m not even enough for me.
I hate the girl in the mirror. She’s fat. She can’t lose weight. She’s sick. She can’t work. She can’t support herself. She can’t heal herself.
It’s not too late…it’s never too late…..
Then I catch myself.
I cannot say those terrible things about myself. I’d never talk to anyone like that, why do I talk to myself like that?
I realize the reason I am walking this dark road is because there are many behind me who need help navigating it. I was chosen for this path.
I will be a lantern in this deep, dark hell hole.
Yeah, I’m the most disgusting form I’ve ever been in. I’m a dependent, home-bound, poor, obese person but I am mentally stronger than I have ever been. I have the most sense of purpose I ever have.
I know why I was put on this earth. I cannot give up. I will gather the flames of hell around me and use them to ignite my spirit.
Hell, you will never overtake me.
I know who I am.
I know where I stand.
It’s not too late for me.
This is my race. This is my battle. This is MY existence.
I’m shattered beyond belief tonight. My soul aches. But I will wake up tomorrow, Lord willing and battle all over again.
I will fight for my better days.
I will fight for the work I have to do on this earth.