Swiss cheese heartbeats

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day! Yes, a day completely devoted to celebrate LOVE.

Though it should be a joyous occasion, for many people Valentine’s Day is a subtle reminder of pain, loss and loneliness.

There are holes in our hearts from lost loved ones.

This is the concept of Swiss Cheese hearts…..

We have holes from people who were once in our lives that no longer are.

We may have lost them to death, circumstance or by choice…..Nevertheless, sometimes their absence can be felt so much we can only grieve.

I’ll be the first to admit I have a swiss cheese heart.

This is my Swiss Cheese Heart Gallery ❤ nan.jpg

This is my Nana.

Due to some wild, unfortunate circumstances she is not in my life. She and my grandfather (who I never really knew) divorced the year I was born. She then remarried and I spent every weekend with her from the time I was three into my teenage years. I loved her dearly. She was my shopping buddy and we always had a wonderful time together.

The last I heard, the man she married divorced her after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. She is now in a nursing home. I have no idea where she is or how she is. It haunts my mind and I wonder about her all the time. My only hope is that some kind CNA treats her the way I treated my patients. I hope she is well taken care of. I will always treasure my time with her and look forward to reconnecting with her in the next life.

1025945_4858569673497_1163382915_oThis is Caleb,

my very first love, the man I thought I’d spend my life with. Our romance was scarred with the unfortunate tragedy that my health became. I will always blame myself for our separation, even though I know I did all that I could. He is back in my home state of NC and I am in Florida. I wish him well. Our relationship destruction and my health turned things bitter. I have tried my very best to not become angry over the circumstances of my life. I have tried to see the light in every dark tunnel. Caleb and I just grew a part I guess, as people do in life. We don’t seem to understand one another anymore and he has made it clear he will not tolerate a long distance relationship. My only choices are to accept the way things are and let go or magically have spontaneous healing and move back to NC to be with him. Too bad the second choice is total fallacy. We didn’t even say Happy Valentine’s Day yesterday. I need to accept in my swiss cheese heart that we are over. Though I will love him every second of my life, it looks like our marriage will never be.

jess.jpgThese girls were my un-biological sisters.

Since age 3, I was friends with them. Their parents were like a second set of parents to me.

Things fell apart the summer I left North Carolina. I lived with them right during the time my Addison’s disease was rearing its ugly head. They took me in when my parents moved away to Florida. They housed me, fed me and most importantly- loved me.

When I left their home, I was in the fiery grips of unmanaged adrenal failure. I was close to death, severely ill and not thinking clearly.

The bridge between me and this family was badly burned. All I can say is I am sorry and I take full responsibility for anything I ever did in error. I want to thank them for taking care of me and loving me when I didn’t deserve it.

Randall, Carrie, Hannah, Maddie & Kayla- will always be my second family and I Love them dearly.

CAMP.jpg

The kid in the red shirt was one of my dearest friends in my adolescent years.

Life happened. Mistakes and choices were made. Needless to say, we are no longer in each other’s lives.

I am truly overjoyed that he is happily married and has two beautiful little girls now. How ironic is it that those of us who planned to have families are the single ones?

Regardless, I wish him well in his life.

hosp.jpg

This was life changing surgery.

I think the biggest hole in my heart is the fact that I had to have a hysterectomy at 25 due to endometriosis, uterine fibroids and addison’s disease. I wanted a house full of children. I had them all named. I knew how I was going to raise them, love them and take care of them.

But that dream died on November 22, 2017.

I have to think about it like this- I loved my children enough to NOT bring them into this world to suffer. My genetics are a recipe for disaster. The thought of bringing another soul into this world to suffer the way I do just rips my heart apart. I knew I made the right decision.

Plus, the odds of me surviving a pregnancy and birth were slim to none. Leaving a possibly sick child motherless would be a terrible fate for my child. I chose to eliminate the chance of that happening.

The guilt I carry that I could never give my husband a child bothers me, but I know in my heart I made the right choice.I hope to be able to adopt one day but until then my books are my legacy. My writing and my work is my “brain child.”

home.jpg

This was my home in North Carolina.

We moved away from here almost 4 years ago. It devastates me that home is such a foreign concept now. Life happened and it happened fast.

Once we moved, we lived in an RV for close to three years. Being homeless was an absolute nightmare. We live in a nice townhouse in Florida now and I am just now getting over the traumatic experience of being homeless for so long.

One day I hope to have a real home again. A place where I know it will be permanent and I will have things the way I want them. Simple things like my items being placed where I’d like them to be and left alone where I put them. I want a place I can feel secure in. I want to squash the fearful thoughts that a home could ever be ripped away from me again.

One day, I pray that stability of my own home will be obtained.

swiss

I know I am not the only one with a swiss cheese heart.

Swiss cheese hearts still beat.

We still have love to give.

We still have things to be thankful for.

We still have people that love us.

I guess we just have to focus on what we DO have instead of obsessing over what we don’t. Because the truth is, somethings that leave holes in our hearts will never return. We have to accept these losses and move on.

Some of our loved ones are gone, but they will never be forgotten.

So, let your swiss cheese heart keep beating……

holdingyou (2)

Hold on tight to those who are still in your life ❤

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