*WARNING- EMOTIONAL POST.
POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING*
READER DISCRETION ADVISED
I keep having nightmares….. weird, strange, random, off the wall nightmares.
I keep dreaming tornadoes are coming and I can’t get to safety.
I keep dreaming I don’t have my life sustaining cortisol medication during these tornadic attacks.
Last night was one of these nights.
I am writing this post because it is on my heart and I know that there is someone else who needs to know what I realized last night. I apologize in advance for the whining and the drama in this post. But the reality is that life is sometimes sad and dramatic and we as humans have to learn to cope with it.
I realized I have a swiss cheese heart.
It is full of holes.
(TRIGGER WARNING HERE)
Though I don’t like to admit it, I have been devastatingly sad since my hysterectomy. I was warned before hand that I would face emotional effects, but didn’t realize how much my heart would truly be affected.
I do not regret my decision to have the surgery. I know it was the best choice. The surgeon ended up having to take more than just my uterus due to the aggressive endometriosis. He told me I made the right decision. I am at peace with the choice I made.
BUT, it is still a loss. A loss among many.
(Here comes the whining)
I was laying in bed last night just devastated. Thinking of all the losses I’ve faced. I haven’t been this specific in my blogs but I feel like I need to write this out to show others that I do truly understand what it means to suffer and keep going.
I started thinking about the past couple years….. how much has truly been erased from my life.
I have no home to go back to anymore. We moved from North Carolina to Florida almost 4 years ago. There is no “Go home for Christmas” for us. My Carolina home is long gone now.
My sweet Nana is alive. I loved her deeply. Due to extenuating circumstances out of my control she has not been a part of my life for many years now. I just found out through facebook that her husband of ten years divorced her when she was diagnosed with Alzheimers disease and put her in a nursing home. My heart breaks. I have no idea where she is or how to get to her. I truly loved her with all my heart despite all the family drama that drove us apart. During this time of year I can only pray for her. I pray she is at peace and well taken care of. I can only hope that some CNA/Medtech/Nurse will take care of her like I took care of my alzhiemer’s residents. I hope she receives the care and love I gave my patients and that maybe in some way, my actions towards my residents will ensure she’s taken care of.
Remember my blog about how Baptists are wrong about sex where I talked about my first love, Caleb?
Yeah…. this week I think our dysfunctional train of love has finally derailed.
Like I previously said, since my surgery I have become severely emotional….which is VERY unlike me. I have always been Miss Independent & Miss Tough and always leaned on my own strength. I’ve reached out to him for emotional support more so in the last month than I have in the almost 8 years I’ve known Cale. It drove him insane. He hated it.
The night before last, I was in horrible pain and just so sad I couldn’t sleep. He usually calls me on his way home from work at 11pm. We talk until he gets home and then I go to sleep.
Well I couldn’t sleep so I text him.
Me- Cale, can you please call me back? I’m hurting so much I can’t sleep.
Him- No. We already talked.
Me- I know, but I’m just so sad.
Him- Just go to sleep.
He proceeded to call me back and tell me how selfish I was to deny him his alone time. He told me he worked hard all day and was tired of hearing me whine. He told me I was ungrateful for the time he gave me and I needed to be thankful that he talked to me at all.
Me- But Caleb, It’s so hard lying here in pain in the dark alone……..
Him- Everyone lays in bed at night in the dark alone. You are no different.
Then he kept telling me how he was sick of hearing me cry and hearing me whine. He told me I was completely selfish and shouldn’t bring people down as much as I do.
I sobbed and apologized repeatedly. I felt extremely guilty for bringing him down. I loved Caleb, I didn’t want him to be sad. It wasn’t that the time he gave me wasn’t good enough….it was just that the pain and the sadness required more than he had to give.
I apologized. But you know what? I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for needing support in my pain/sadness. No, I deserve support. I just had a life changing, painful surgery…..and even if I didn’t…. NO ONE should feel alone when they need love.
He didn’t even call me last night. I took that as a sign that I just need to accept that it is over. We’ve morphed into different people. His lack of compassion is taxing my already sad soul.
So I cried and cried last night and told God he was going to have to comfort me because my heart is full of holes….thus the swiss cheese comparison.
I cried for the losses of-
My childhood home.
My loved ones who are no longer in my life.
My loss of childbearing ability.
My loss of financial stability, independence, health and strength.
I sobbed to my heavenly Father and begged him for comfort.
And then my phone started going off……
I got a text message from a dear friend of mine telling me how thankful she was for me and how God was good in bringing me into her life.
I often wonder why God leaves me here on earth. I wonder why he leaves me here to suffer with the losses, the diseases and the chronic pain.
Maybe it’s not for me. Maybe he leaves me here because there are other people that need me. Maybe other people need to know my story. Maybe I’m not here for me at all.
So I will love as deeply as I can with my swiss cheese heart. I will give as much as I can. I will edify and encourage everyone I come in contact with.
I will not be defined by what has been taken from me, but by what I can give to others.
I may not have a job or money now, but that’s not what is truly important.
When someone is down and out, they don’t want money or a fancy car! They want someone who will listen to them and comfort them during their grief.
My swiss cheese heart beats to serve others, not serve myself.