Calling Monsters by their name

I apologize in advance for the amount of personal blogs and dramatic posts.

But I am at the point where writing is my only solace, my only reverie and my only escape.

Thanks to my blog followers for reading and putting up with my drama. 😀

I apologize for spamming your inboxes with yet another post by Winslow. 😛

 

It is my belief that in order to fight a monster, you have to call it by it’s name, let it know that you don’t fear it and attack it with all your might until it surrenders.

So I am writing this blog to call the names of the demons attacking me now.

I have some major battles I’m going to have to slay before the end of this year.

I look forward to starting 2018, but this year isn’t going down without a fight…..

So Here I Stand- calling my demons by their names so I CAN DEFEAT THEM in cold blood.

(DUN DUN DUUUNNNN *lightning flashes*)

LOL I feel like the count on sesame street.

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My dates of battle:

November 22, 2017-

I will be having a hysterectomy due to endometriosis and uterine fibroids. As someone who loves children and wanted some of my own, this breaks my heart.  My pain and risk of cancer is just too high. I also have a slim chance of carrying a healthy child full term. My risk of dying in a pregnancy and passing on my genetic illnesses are just too strong.

I fear the pain of this surgery. I fear the emotional affects it will take on me. This is a final decision. There are no second chances, no miracles and no other options.

I will never have a baby.

I can only hope that I can handle the post-surgery pain. That is my biggest fear, succumbing to the stresses and causing my adrenal failure to wreak havoc.

But I can’t think that way, no.

I accept this fate.  I draw my sword and prepare to fight the reality that is this great loss.

November 29, 2017-

Still fighting to get on the cortisol pump. I thought I had found a doctor who agreed to manage me with this life changing but unfortunately off label use of a diabetic pump filled with cortisol. Due to his fear of insurance companies, he backed out.

I have an appointment with another doctor on November 29, 2017 to see if she is willing to work with me on getting my quality of life back with this pump.  I can only hope she agrees to help me. I have been fighting to get on this treatment for a long time….

All I want is to live again.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a looney, insane person because all this bad stuff has happened and it doesn’t seem to stop. My life fell apart 3 years ago when my parents moved from my childhood home in NC. Ever since then, life has been a full throttle fight to the death.

I have died, literally…..during my adrenal crisis on my 23rd birthday.

A fluke dose of solu-medrol (IV prednisone)  saved my life before I was diagnosed with adrenal failure.

I have lost everyone I’ve ever loved at one point or another. Some returned, some did not. I’ve seen relationships fall apart, loved ones die and felt the stinging knife of betrayal in my back.

I have lost multiple homes. Truth is, I haven’t been home since I was forced out of my childhood home three years ago. I feel like a whiny little kid, cause honestly I just wanna go home and I don’t even know where that is yet.

The closest thing I found was a one room “home” I rented with my best friend for a few months. This place was in the ghetto, we got broken into multiple times, we had no money, we didn’t even have air conditioning in FL. But I loved it, I was LIVING free for the first time EVER.

I was independent ❤

I worked two jobs and was in school.

I heavily paid the price with my illness.

Even that home was ripped away from me when I almost lost my life, again, on July 17, 2016.

This is the date I will forever deem as the night that changed it all. I thought I’d been through every living hell imaginable, but that night dragged me to an even deeper pit of doom than I ever deemed possible.

A seizure causing an attack of  ventricular tachycardia almost ended my life.I survived, but suffered severe neurological damage. I no longer that the strength to stand, shower, dress myself or anything. I returned to a child-like state. I struggled to breathe and without the ability to work was forced to leave the tiny bit of stability I had created.

I had to move in with my family.

Sounds nice doesn’t it? Going back home? Being a child again?

No.

You see, my family lived in an RV. A tiny, unforgiving space that is a tomb of bad memories for me.

Imagine being stuck with your entire family in a shoe closet, every day.

Yep, it’s as miserable as it sounds. I love my family, but the pain, loss of independence and small space was torture.

We are also broke beyond measure and shared eggs for meals.

(It’s times like these I am so glad my family has no interest in my writing work because they would be livid to know I’m just airing the dirty laundry)

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But you know what, If what I went through helps someone else, I will share my truth without hesitation.

For a year, I suffered with the most pain I’d ever been in, in the weakest state possible.

There was no space. I was living in a tour bus, dying, in agony with no modern conveniences like internet or a bath tub with three other adults. (Parents and my brother)

I look back and wonder how in the world I survived that. How did I not absolutely lose my mind?

I’ve been pushed to the ground multiple times in every area of life.

Going through painful medical procedures over and over again. Kidney stents and bladder instillations, implant removal and insertion.

Forcing myself to re-learn to hold a spoon and put pants on through grueling physical therapy.

Watching people I love walk completely out of my life, leaving a wake of destruction behind them.

My independence was quickly replaced by the infantile state I’d succumb to.

My money dwindle to the point where I no longer even have a bank account.

My beautiful mustang is no longer my own.

My body and fickle beauty fell prey to the devastation of my illness.

I have face EVERY nightmare I could have imagined and I am still standing.

But it’s not ever yet.

I will continue to fight.

 

Honestly guys, we can’t be zen fairies all the time. I try to be as motivational as possible, but the bottom line is some stuff in life sucks. Some stuff breaks you down to the point where you are up at 3 am, laying on a cot googling easy ways to off yourself.

Then you get a glimpse of who you are, all you’ve been through and all the things you want to accomplish……immediately scolding yourself for thinking of the easy way out in the first place.

No, my friend. Sometimes we have to fight life in a different way.

Sometimes it’s just about gritting our teeth and accepting that there is nothing we can do but hold on.

Somethings we cannot change.

Somethings we just have to endure.

My message is this, Life is hard. Nothing wrong with accepting the dark things you cannot change.

Please reach out if you feel yourself slipping into the darkness.

Even I have felt the brunt of all that’s happened to me.

Suicide is never the answer.

It doesn’t eliminate the bad things, it only eliminates the opportunity for things to get better.

“All is not lost, the unconquerable will, and study of revenge, immortal hate, and the courage never to submit or yield.”

― John MiltonParadise Lost 

 

Friends, take heart.

ALL IS NOT LOST.

 

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