When your losses cut you

Being from the south, my natural tendency to use cliche statements such as “Cut your losses”  are littered throughout my vocabulary.

I’ve had to repeat that statement many times in my young life.

Especially today.

Today I met with my surgeon.

Today I had to make a hard decision.

Today, my losses cut me.

I am a 25 year old heterosexual, unmarried woman. I had to make the hard decision to plan my hysterectomy surgery today, This breaks my heart.

Due to the endometriosis, uterine fibroids and complications from other health issues……

I am having to have this very final choice made for me.

I will never carry a child of my own.

My heart breaks for another loss I’m having to face.

It almost makes me angry. I was always taught growing up in church that if you followed God’s rules, you’d be rewarded with a beautiful marriage and babies!

I wasn’t promiscious. I didn’t sleep around.

And yet at 25, despite my obedience- I am losing the ability to carry my own child.

I am also unmarried.

So this is what I said to God-

Hey God? I followed your rules! Why do these other women who got pregnant out of wedlock have adorable kids and I don’t? Why am I not married? What did I do wrong?  Why am I losing something else? Haven’t I lost enough God?

And this is what He said to me-

Psalm 113:9 (KJV)

He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.

(He is a PERSONAL GOD isn’t HE?  You can’t tell me God doesnt hear prayers when THAT is the verse I read in HIS word! How specific is that!)

God, you can still bless a barren woman with a house and make her a joyful mother! 

I can still adopt. I can still get married one day! My life isn’t over!

 

My aching heart is somewhat soothed to know that even though things certainly didn’t go how I planned them, GOD can still bless me.

My future isn’t ruined just because my life is different than most peoples’……

My path is just a little more jagged than the rest, and that is OKAY.

So if you are reading this and you feel like all hope is lost- please know that there is always more than one way to do things. Your life may be WAY off track but that doesn’t mean the track you are headed for isn’t beautiful, magical and amazing.

November 22, 2017- I am scheduled to lose the ability to carry my own child. This is a permanent decision. There is no turning back, no never minds….

It’s a final choice. 

But I will never lose the ability to be a mother.

I can still show love and compassion.

The old saying “Blood is thicker than water” isn’t exactly true. The concept of “chosen blood” is beautiful. When you CHOOSE someone- that is an ACT of love.

Today, I will revel in the fact that I own the choices I’ve made.

I will live with NO REGRETS.

The devil jumps on my shoulder and tells me, “You should have sinned, you’d probably have children and be married now. See what doing right got you? NOTHING! You are BARREN!”

Hey devil- I am WHOLE in CHRIST, with or without the ability to have a baby.

Don’t let your losses cut you.

This quote has helped me so much this past month.

ff82e8c42dd07857374fd177770ee3e8--buddhist-quotes-letting-go-quotes-on-letting-go-of-love

So I will gracefully let go of-

1-My mental hang-ups on what it means to be a woman. I am a woman regardless of whether I am married or able to bear a child. I wasn’t put on this planet to serve a husband or make babies. (Though there is NOTHING wrong with that- Clearly this is NOT God’s plan for me.)

2-Jordan Adrian. You showed me that I was young again. That was your purpose in meeting me. With this lesson, I gracefully accept you have no place in my life. I let you go.

3- Eli.  You were supposed to be my son, my child, my biological little boy who will never be. My heart breaks as I type your name because I know you will never exist.

4- The concept that moral choices equal a good life. NO! NO! NO! This religious JUNK was fed to me my whole life.  Look at Job! Look at Joseph! Look at Moses! Sometimes doing the right things cause the wrong things to happen. Do right anyway……

5- I will gracefully let go of the guilt I’ve put on myself due to my illness. I didn’t choose this. I am not at fault.

 

My friends, our gains cannot compare to our losses. Light drives out DARKNESS!

Let’s live in the hope that better days are ahead.

Life goes on ❤

I am Overcoming Addison’s ❤

All content and images used on this site are owned or licensed by Winslow E. Dixon. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.  (Feel free to share stories and save images, however all images, written posts and blogs are owned by Winslow E. Dixon and protected under copyright law)

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4 thoughts on “When your losses cut you

  1. Malisha Fuller October 18, 2017 / 4:07 am

    So sorry. It is amazing how God speaks the words to us as we need to hear them. Keep Faith and never loose Hope.

    Like

  2. jillyvanilly0503 October 18, 2017 / 7:01 am

    I can so relate. I am 56 and unmarried, so my dreams of being a mother have been unfulfilled. I have not given up the dream of being married, thought at my age it will be a miracle, but God can do those. So the most I can hope for is stepchildren and step grandchildren. At 47, two months after my mother dying I had a hysterectomy because of an ovarian cyst and fibroids. So in the one year I lost my ability to be a mother and my own dear mother. You are not alone and you are most certainly in my prayers.🙏🏻

    Like

  3. Lori October 18, 2017 / 11:34 am

    Winslow, I’m so sorry that you’re having to make this decision at such a young age. Your strength and faith in God’s plan is amazing. You are so right about blood not always being thicker than water. I’ll never have grandchildren of my own, but there are two young people who have filled that place in my life for many years. I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love them. God does provide! You are in my prayers. 🙏🏼

    Like

  4. CJ Swartz October 18, 2017 / 2:50 pm

    Chosen blood is what gives me dad a father; he abandoned him and his mother after a divorce when my dad was too little to remember. The only dad he knows, and the only grandpa I know from my dad’s side, is one of the most amazing men in my life. Chosen blood can be stronger than birth blood; for my dad never found out where his birth father went. My very name comes from that man. I claim it with all my heart. My heart goes out to you, and prayers to Heaven on your behalf.

    Like

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