Finding the balance between acceptance and action is a difficult battle for me.
I think that’s the case for just about everyone, though.
When do you try harder? When do you surrender?
This past week I had an appointment with the new endocrinologist in hopes of finding better treatment. My mind hasn’t stopped racing since I left my appointment. I now have way more questions than answers.
As it turns out, the last endocrine doctor I had failed to see that my pituitary function is way abnormal. According to the labs, it is not functioning. This doesn’t make sense because when I had an MRI done last year, it showed no abnormalities or tumors in the pituitary gland. Why is it not working? I was never on steroids before my diagnosis of adrenal failure, so this makes absolutely zero sense. The new doctor brought these things to my attention and commented on how rare it is….
Oh boy, another rare thing about me. Can I just add it to the collection?
I am both glad and frustrated with this news. If the problem is truly pituitary, maybe there is hope for a different treatment?
I have been obsessively researching ever since Friday in hopes of finding the missing piece to my health puzzle.
And here is the BEST part of the news (can you sense my sarcasm…)
The new endocrinologist wants me to have that scary cortisol test done AGAIN.
Yep, this will make it the fourth time. He wants to do it in a hospital setting and it will hopefully be less scary this time. But seriously….again?
I keep asking God when the hard stuff is going to stop. When the storm will finally blow over. I’m honestly really worn out of having to brace myself to do scary things.
My week coming up is going to be filled with more doctor visits. Seeing local doctor Monday, Cleveland Clinic Tuesday and treatment for IV infusion on Wednesday.
I’m caught between the feelings of being thankful that I have medical treatment but also feeling apprehensive and frustrated that it literally takes so much effort just to stay alive.
I dream about simple things, like going home to North Carolina, driving, grocery shopping, going to church and walking around again. My heart aches for the little things I took for granted.
I’m not sure why I am writing this. I am sorry for the negative post. Sometimes I just write things to get them out of my heart. I feel like when you bottle things in you let things overtake you…and expressing them makes them lose their power.
I will not let my fears overtake me. I will speak about them, own them and let them go.
I will be honest and say that I am overwhelmed today. I feel like a little kid that is just pouting and screaming, “I just wanna go home.”
And GOD knows I do. These dreary, muggy Florida days make me long for my Carolina.
I wonder if that’s how Moses felt when he left Egypt after killing the Egyptian man. Even after his meeting with God and the burning bush, he knew home would never be the same again. He knew his brother, Pharaoh was his enemy and his royal family would never be reunited again. Everything he grew up with was gone forever, never to return the same way again.
Even though Moses completed such an awesome destiny in Christ, I can’t help but think he always missed home. He wasn’t raised Hebrew but that was his true identity in the end.
I know in my heart I am where I’m supposed to be. Here, living with my parents again in Florida. Did I ever think that I would have to swallow every ounce of pride and accept help and total dependence again? Absolutely not. But here I am, and here I will choose to be content.
Happiness is truly a choice. I am choosing now to not think about the busy signal I receive every time I reach out to someone I love. I will chose to appreciate those who never make me feel alone.
I will swallow my pride. I will breathe. I will rest.
I will hope for answers, better days and restoration.