Do I want to know?

I know just about everyone has wished for a glimpse of their future.

I’ve prayed this prayer recently….

“Dear God, please just give me a glimpse of my future. Please just give me some idea that there is light at the end of the tunnel? Let me know what I’m fighting for. Let me know it will be worth it. I know you have plans for my life and even though I trust you….in my human state I am fearful, weary and burnt out.”

I woke up this morning in more pain than usual. I woke up with an active shingles outbreak all across my back. I feel like I’m being constantly stung  by bees. I feel  like I play medical whack a mole with my health. I fix one problem and another pops up.


Which begs the question, DO I really wanna know what my future holds?

Cause I’ll be honest here and say I am so glad I had no idea what I would go through the past two years.

If you would’ve told 18 year old me I’d be out of work, unable to drive and dependent at age 25 I’m pretty sure I would have just given up.

s41375cb115026_31.jpgThis girl believed hard work, determination and faith could accomplish anything.

This was me the year I graduated high school.  High heels & high aspirations…..

I am so glad I had no idea about my future back then. I honestly wouldn’t have wanted to know.

So maybe it’s a measure of grace we can’t see our futures.

Maybe God is protecting us from senseless fear or apprehension.

Because the truth is, what is going to happen is going to happen whether we are prepared for it or not.

I made the right choices and still got sick. No amount of mental preparation or forewarning could have prepared me to fight this battle.

I look to the future with a blank hope that things will be okay.

God holds my future, and the beautiful thing is HE exists outside of the limits of time.

God is not bound by human limits. Whether He heals me or not, I have to realize every day that He wakes me up there’s a reason.

Satan wants me to think I’m finished because life didn’t go the way I planned. He wants me to think I’m useless. But God is a God of impossible feats. My illness isn’t a surprise to him and it won’t stop me from accomplishing what I was put on this earth to do.

Take that devil.


I am a phoenix. I will rise out of my own ashes EVERY SINGLE TIME.


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