To the man who will love me “When I’m well”

 

 

“Whenever you get better, I will be here.” He tells me.

I’ve loved this man since my freshman year of college. He met me when I was young, vibrant, sassy and healthy. I was a pre-law major who sported high heels and sunglasses during my college days in Florida. I was convinced I could take on the world and nothing could stop me. I quickly fell in love with this man. He was just as headstrong as I was. His confidence was just as attractive as his masculine physical features.

Our love was the strongest force I’d ever witnessed in my life. Let me tell you there is not another couple on this planet that could have had a stronger connection than we did. I know this man’s heart and soul better than I know my own.

Fast forward seven years. Everything fell apart. Our families hated one another. My health failed. I was forced to move to a different state for medical treatment, leaving the man I loved so much behind.

The tragedy that was our love story planted bitterness and resentment in his heart. I saw him slowly pull away from me. First it was just distance….then he just stopped calling.

I would bring it up to him. “Why don’t you call me? I miss you.  I need to hear your voice.”

This would prompt a major fight; always resulting in me breaking down in tears….which would trigger adrenal issues…and make me even sicker.

Anyone with a chronic illness will tell you how lonely it is. I was once so active with two jobs, volunteering and my schooling…then my illness rendered me unable to work and drive. My days turned to events of isolation here in this new state I’d moved to. I watched everyone around me live their lives, work and function while I grew weaker and suffered with pain and exhaustion.

It hurt so much to ask him to call.

“You have no right to ask anything of me.” He told me once. “I am a man; I need physical not verbal contact. I am not auditory, talking to you does nothing for me.”

So I stopped asking. He still has yet to call.

I felt so much guilt that I couldn’t be there with him.

But I shouldn’t have, it was totally one hundred percent out of my control. I did not ask for my illness. I made good choices in my life. Dated one man, never did drugs, never smoked, never drank alcohol…I just got sick… not of my own doing……

“I wish you weren’t so distant” text appeared on my phone screen via Facebook messenger.

I didn’t know how to reply to that, so I just didn’t……

If you wanted to talk to me you would, my darling. You don’t need my voice. You don’t want to know how my days go anymore.

So me, being an internally driven, strong willed person- determined and convinced myself that the only way to get our wonderful love back was to be well again.

I pushed myself harder in physical therapy. I ate even stricter. I researched and researched new healing measures to the furthest extent.

I try and try and try to get better. I want to get better!

“I have to, so he’ll love me…so we can be together…so we can be happy.”

Then it dawned on me….

For better or for worse…in sickness and in health….

You say you love me, but tell me I can’t be a proper wife now because I am ill?

I send you a photo and you say “What happened to your body? The steroids have ruined you…think of what you used to look like……you need to wash your hair.”

I hand you my heart and you throw it into a blender….every single time.

No, my love, you do not get to choose to make me walk the darkest part of my journey alone…only to be rewarded with me “when I get well.”

Truth is- I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if I will ever work or drive again.

But pushing myself so you will talk to me isn’t right. I’m putting all this pressure on myself to achieve your attention, when in reality I should already have it.

I want to get better so I can help other people….. So I can research adrenal and kidney disease….. So I can volunteer with the elderly again…..So I can just LIVE again. I was not put on this earth to serve a man. And though I will gladly do that and want to be a wife someday…. I have a purpose in the medical field, I believe.

My darling, I pray and hope your heart changes towards me. I am so sorry that life has dealt us a bitter hand, but I can no longer allow my heart to be destroyed.

This adrenal/kidney disease is nothing I asked for or deserved.

I, like every human on this planet, deserve support during my difficult battle.

My message is this,

No one should ever make you feel like you aren’t good enough. Even if you are sick, you are still worthwhile. Your battle may be too difficult for others to handle, this is NOT a reflection of you.

You. Are. Enough. Just. As. You. Are.