Yes, you read that correctly.
This is the eulogy of Winslow Elizabeth Dixon.
Yes I am still alive. No, I don’t intend on going anywhere soon.
But I am writing this to let go of who I used to be…..who I was before MSK and Addison’s disease took over.
This is not act of giving up; it is an act of acceptance.
I used to serve in my father’s ministry. I was the children’s minster, played the piano and sang in the choir. I loved volunteering in the church.
I absolutely loved my job in geriatrics. At my last job, I worked as a Resident Care and Enrichment Director for Holiday Retirement.
I was also back in school and had plans to become a physician’s assistant. I was serving in an internship at a clinic and learning as much as possible.
I lived with my best friend. I always had a fridge full of food and a home full of laughter.
Life was good.
Here’s how my days used to go.
6am- Wake up
7am- Leave home
7:30a-8:45a- Get Medical treatment at my primary care physician’s office
9am-5pm- Work at the retirement home
5:15p-8pm- Work at internship
8:30pm- 10pm- Eat supper, do schoolwork
This was my routine. I was living life to the very max, doing the best I could.
Now, I am unable to work, drive or function. It amazes me how I was able to accomplish so much in a day. Now a shower completely wears me out.
But you know what…… My life is not over.
For some reason, God has continued to open my eyes every morning so far.
Do I understand why all this happened? No.
Do I absolutely long for my independence back? Yes
Do I have to let go of who I once was? Yes and No.
You see, my life is different now. I now have the ability to write as much as possible I live with my parents again. I am no longer working.
I can still let my dreams fuel me, but I can’t let them cripple me.
The reality is a part of me has died.
I can honestly say I am a better person now having gone through all of this. One day I will share my entire experience…the full version…. But for now I relish in the fact that I am a survivor.
I have nothing left to fear. I have looked death in the eyes. It has called my name.
I have seen hell on earth.
I have been in so much pain I didn’t think I would make it.
I have lost everything and everyone possible at one time or another.
But I survived….every single time.
I have fought demons themselves and come out victorious.
Not because of who I am, but because of the power of Christ within me.
GOD’S GRACE truly abounds in this life.
Every time I think I am at my breaking point, every time I think I can’t go on any longer…..God gives me some measure of grace that renews my spirit and helps me go on.
Romans 12:2 (KJV)
“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”
God renews my mind and keeps me going. He uses so many avenues in my life to do so.
Staying in communion with Him through prayer and reading his word.
My wonderful friends and family.
Little things like chicken nuggets and writing.
I can’t think about how much I’ve lost. I can’t think about whether I’ll ever work or drive again.
I can’t think about how different I look now.
I can’t think about how much I can’t do now.
I have to focus on the me that exists RIGHT NOW. Not past me, not the me I want to be…..
The girl that exists NOW.
This girl understands pain, grief, loss and death.
This girl has compassion.
This girl understands.
This girl is close to her Savior.
This girl knows all about endocrine disorders, kidney issues, medicines…etc.
This girl will never give up.
No amount of pain, agony, disease or grief will EVER take my character from me.
I choose to live in the light of Grace.
I choose to let go of regret.
I did my very best and even though bad things happened, my conscience is clear.
So goodbye old me. You may have been stronger physically….but I am much better now.
I let go of what used to be and hold onto what is.